The Night a Thong Sent Me to the Emergency Room

Alluring. But potentially dangerous.

Confession: I’m obsessed with female underwear.

I don’t wear it myself — at least not since the “college days” — but I absolutely fucking live for that moment when the random female I’ve somehow conned into coming back to Le Pad de Ken unzips her jeans then slowly sheds them, revealing the magical undergarments. There’s also a lot to be said for the sight of said underwear balled up on the floor the next morning, or hidden between the sheets. Hell, sometimes I’ll even bury my face in a Kenette’s underwear drawer like a friggin’ ten year old bobbing for apples, just for the sheer delight of it.

Simply put, female underwear = awesome.

But it ain’t always magical.

Case in point: Once upon a time, after a random Kenette and I completed a little something I like to call the Bedroom Floor Facedown Slalom, I found her thong in the corner of the room. Joking, I picked it up and stuffed it in my mouth, as I’ve threatened to do on many occasions. Stunned, she turned around quick and blurted, “Hey, those were expensive.”

With that, she plucked the tiny millimeter of fabric still outside my mouth and gave the undies a solid yank, retrieving them, along with a bonus prize in the form of my permanent retainer — a small, two-inch-long piece of metal which runs along the back of my bottom teeth to prevent nature from undoing years of orthodontics.

Now, the fucking thing’s been there since I was 16, so, as you might imagine, it hurt like a world class motherfucker. So I scream. And my mouth starts gushing blood as the metal scraped my cheek and tongue on the way out. So she starts screaming as well. And I’m standing there, watching blood pour from my mouth wondering how something that seemed so cool at the time could have gone so horribly wrong.

A few hours later, calm was restored. My dentist replaced the retainer the following Monday morning, and I duly promised to never ever again attempt to ingest a Kenette’s panties.

Unless, of course, she’s wearing them.

1 Comment

  1. Ariel

    April 3, 2012 at 1:35 pm

    That picture makes me want to pick my wedgie. Did she get dressed in the dark, after a particularly hellish night of studying for finals?

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