Tits and Ask: Addicted to One-Night Stands

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Got a question? For bad sex advice, ask away.

Dear Ken and Ariel: I’m a 29 year-old single female living in Boston and while a lot of my friends are starting to settle down and move in with or marry their boyfriends, I still enjoy the thrill of the one night stand. In fact, I have trouble maintaining a relationship for more than a year because I get bored with the same partner very easily. Is this something I might grow out of or should I just resign myself to a life of rotating partners? Any insight is appreciated.

KEN SAYS: I’ve read your question about a dozen times and I still can’t get my mind to make the connection between “the thrill of one night stands” and something that should be grown out of. As animals — which is what we are, especially Robin Williams — we are put on this Earth to propagate the species. Granted, some people get a lot more action than others (I’ve been stuck in an unfortunate cycle of self-propagation these days), but you get the point. It’s in our DNA, man. You can’t fuck with science.

Unfortunately, society forces most of us into a pattern of conformity. We acquire steady mates, get married, reproduce, pick up mortgages, watch “Law & Order” five times a day and start spending time in a darkened garage snorting lines of Ovaltine because that’s what we’re supposed to do. Thing is, that isn’t necessarily the proper course for some — maybe even most — people. So I applaud your refusal to stand on ceremony and desire to sit on multiple faces.

I look at it this way: your friends who have settled down are the people who’ve “resigned themselves” to something–not you. They’ve made the conscious decision to bed the same person for the rest of their lives, which Shakespeare famously warned against in his sonnet “Screw the same woman forever? / Are you fucking kidding me?” Meanwhile, you continue to be the USS Enterprise of cock, exploring new and exotic partners and positions, setting phasers to “bang everything that moves” and basically living the life most people with working sex parts aspire to.

When and if you ever find the “right person,” you may discover that your desires change accordingly. But until then, I say keep doing what you’re doing. And if you ever need a practice dummy to try out a new move or hone those blowjob skills, in the name of all that is holy, hit me up.

ARIEL SAYS: I’m sorry, “resign yourself”? What is this, North Korea? No, this is Amurika, where the rotating partners consist of swingers, line dancers, and chickens at Boston Market. In other words, yahoo!!! I don’t see what the problem is. Sounds to me like you’re a healthy young woman living life to the fullest and enjoying your 20s. Nothing wrong with that whatsoever. Now, your friends may be settling down, but most of them will be divorced by 40–OK, make that 35. And when they’re blowing the dust off of their match.com dating profiles, you’ll be eloping with that hot dude yoga instructor/deep sea diver/surfer you met on a solo vacay in Bali.

You may be experiencing what is usually relegated to behind the bleachers in high school: peer pressure. “Everyone’s doing it (i.e., cohabitation/marriage), so I should be too. Otherwise, there must be something wrong with me!” Well, if I recall correctly, peer pressure led me to putting things in my mouth that didn’t belong there. (I’m talking cigs, of course.)

So don’t feel the need to follow the herd. Just like mom said, “If your friends were jumping off a bridge, would you follow suit?” Your answer can still be yes, because bridge-jumping is a blast! But you’d just rather do it with a large group. Of sexxxxy menz. As that annoying lady in the Marshall’s commercials says, in the whitest way possible, “get it, girl.”

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