Tits and Ask: Can A Lousy Lay Be Saved?

40_year_old_virgin-bad-kisser

I’m dating a girl I spent over a year chasing and I’ve come to realize to my horror that she has zero sex game. Foreplay is a bit of kissing and a hand clumsily rubbing my dick through my pants, then she lies down and wants me to bang her, missionary style. Always missionary. We connect on a lot of levels and I truly enjoy her company but the sex is beyond bad. Can good sex be taught? Is there any way I can get her to up the game?

KEN SAYS: Over a year chasing one girl? Please tell me you were getting a little side tail during that courtship. Because nothing crushes an angry boner faster than realizing that the object of your long-standing desires is about as exciting in bed as a sock filled with toothpaste.

Anyway, there’s one critical piece of information that I can’t discern from your email, and that’s how long you guys have been slamming hams. If it’s only been, say, less than a month, there could be a number of reasons for her lack of porn star-caliber skills. Maybe that’s how her last couple boyfriends liked it. Maybe that’s what she thinks you want (I mean, during the courtship phase, did any of your sweet talk involve longing for a good through-the-pants dick rub?) Maybe she’s feeling you out, hoping you’ll take the lead and do her up Clint Eastwood-style (which involves wearing a cowboy hat and talking dirty to an empty chair).

Or maybe, just maybe, she’s got a lusty brain full of all sorts of dirty, dirty things that’s she’s not sure you’re ready for just yet. I can’t tell you how many of my relationships ended prematurely after the woman tried to introduce stuffing waffles up my ass just a little too soon.

My advice is to hang tough and see where things go. If, say, after a couple months she’s still planking at the moment of truth, just put it out there. Tell her about the crazy hot dream you had of her in a chef’s hat and leather thong working your balls with an egg beater. If she’s down–or, even better, says she was wondering when you were ever gonna ask her–then you’re in. Congratulations.

But if even after your most subtle hints she’s still wanting to screw like the pilgrims did, it may be time to move on. And just remember that timeless advice from Mr. Spock, who knew his shit when it came to fucking:

ARIEL SAYS: Good sex can indeed be taught, my dear. And thank the good lord for that, eh? Otherwise we’d probably have rabbits and cockroaches as our slave overlords.

However, my definition of “good sex” is that both participants are invited to, and enjoying immensely in, the booty party. Therefore I would suggest that instead of looking at sex in a linear fashion (or vertical, if you prefer, moving from north to south with an occasional foray east/west), you change up your approach. Spend an hour or so on foreplay, as opposed to the obligatory five-minute dick rub. Get her (and yourself, while you’re at it) so riled up that having sex suspended from the window washing platform on the 31st floor of the John Hancock building suddenly doesn’t seem so daunting. Seduce your minds before your bodies by watching some soft-core porn (Skinamax or late-night foreign flicks on IFC will do). Use food. Use lotion. Use your hands. Forgo alcohol (the notorious nerve-number.)

This may all sound insanely cheesy, but I think you need to slow down and reevaluate the situation before you throw the babe out with the bath water. It just may need some minor adjusting.

But if you’re throwing 8-course meals consisting entirely of aphrodisiacs and have done every position of the Kama Sutra and you’re still stuck in missionary-neutral, it may be best to forfeit the game, son.

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