Tits and Ask: Directions to Downtown


DEAR KEN AND ARIEL: My man is what you’d call a blowjob fiend. He has no qualms about receiving oral sex, but when it comes to reciprocating, he feigns sleep or foot cramps. I’ve done everything short of sit on his face when he’s sleeping but I still get no reaction. Could it be he doesn’t know what he’s doing, and is embarrassed? Should I be giving him lessons? Anything you can offer in terms of breaking my needs to him would be helpful.

ARIEL SAYS: Who cares what the reasons are? At Ken ‘n’ Ariel airlines, we don’t check the baggage, we just nudge you towards your desired destination. So here’s my shove: Next time you and loverboy are doing laundry, watching Nick at Nite, or picking your toenails in tandem, turn to him and say, right out of the blue, “Don’t you just LOVE oral sex?!” Say it with a gleam in your eye, show lots of teeth, and, most important, look as though you just figured it out yesterday and are dying to try it out.
After he gives the pat response, “Hell YEAH!” and starts struggling with his belt buckle, launch into an incredibly detailed recollection of one of your former lovers, who was so adept at eating the pudding that your toes were permanently cramped for weeks. Then go on and on about how the neighbors called animal control because of your shouting, how you temporarily lost consciousness after banging your noggin on the headboard, how incredibly and utterly fantastic this dude was, until your man’s nostrils start to flare like a bull’s. If all goes to plan, he’ll say, “Oral sex, huh? I’ll show you who’s good at deep sea diving!” And he’ll then do just that. And you’ll probably have to stop him after a few minutes because he’s not going to know what the hell he’s doing down there, like he’s trying to place a collect call to China with his tongue or what have you. But be patient, stock up on whipped cream and ice cubes, and relish the fact that you’ve got an eager and very willing student.

KEN SAYS: Oral sex has always been that sort of curious middle ground in any relationship. Of course, the rap on guys is that they only give oral sex to receive it (though, let’s face it–the same thing can be said about a lot of women in this big wonderful world). Your man, however, is throwing off the bell curve by refusing any sort of reciprocation whatsoever. Now, there are a lot of ways to remedy this situation. You can take Ariel’s suggestion of conjuring the names of ex-lovers who tongue-whipped you into blissful submission. Or you can stomp your feet and wring your fists, insisting that your crotch deserves every bit of the attention that you’re lavishing on his. Or you could write your congressperson.
The most effective way, however, is to do what every undervalued worker in this country does–go on strike! Simply inform your man that until he gets his tongue into gear, you’ll be keeping yours in drydock. Hey, there are labor laws in effect to support this–why not use ‘em to your advantage? 

You can even utilize unfair practices to see that your demands are met. For example, after a couple days on the picket line, just plop yourself in your boyfriend’s lap and start slowly working over a cherry popsicle. Chances are that he’ll beat a path to the bargaining table faster than you can say “Jimmy Hoffa.”

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