Tits and Ask: Dirty Emails from Dirty Old M—His Dad?!?!?


DEAR KEN & ARIEL: I’ve been getting some pretty nasty e-mails from a so-called “secret admirer” for about a year. They’re pretty graphic, but I will admit, I was enjoying them. Then I was staying at my boyfriend’s parents’ house over the holidays (we’ve been dating for 5 years) and saw to my horror that one of his dad’s on-line screen names was the same one that sent me those mash-notes. Yikes! His dad always seemed to like me, but I seem to have unlocked his inner-perv. Can anything in the world erase this from my subconscious? Even worse: I said a few nasty things back… should I just jump off a cliff right now?


KEN SAYS: With all due respect, I really have a hard time seeing the problem here. Ask any red blooded male between the ages of 17 and 27 if he’s ever fantasized about making it with his girlfriend’s mother and the response (provided that mom doesn’t look like a hairier Rip Taylor) will likely be a resounding “yes.”

 That’s because in most guys’ eyes, the older woman holds more allure than a pot of gold, the lost ark, and a free pitcher of ice cold beer. And the fact that you found yourself so easily intrigued by your foulmouthed suitor (and an electronic suitor at that) leads me to believe that deep down inside, you feel trapped in a boring relationship, rolling slowly toward a tunnel of oblivion and desperately seeking an outlet for your deepest, darkest perversions. 

Or it might just mean that you have a pretty cool sense of humor and dig messing with people. 

Either way, I admire your spunk, and if you find this dark pit of shame and doubt too imposing to crawl out of, level the playing field by having your boyfriend toss off some obscene e-mails to your mom. It might not make you feel all that better, but it sure makes for some interesting holiday gatherings.

ARIEL SAYS: If your boyfriend is Mr. Right—I’m talking the guy you’ve pretty much decided you’re going to marry—I’d tell him about the e-mails from Pops. Then, I’d suggest that you confront Senor Perv. Tell him that you love his son, and that you would hope that he loves his son enough to never, ever, ever send any more of that crap to you—the soon-to-be wife of his son and someday mother of his grandchildren.

 If he spouts a snazzy comeback, like “Hey, you got into it, too,” tell him that since you had no idea at the time that it was him sending the e-mails, you were just indulging in some healthy jocularity at his expense. When you wrote those responses, you can explain, you were with a couple of your girlfriends who thought it was the funniest thing since Apocalypse Now Redux. They even helped you compose the responses, especially that one about the candle wax and garden hose.

On the other hand, if you’re not planning on spending the rest of your life with your boyfriend, keep this emotional train wreck of an experience to yourself. Avoid the holidays and various long weekends at his dad’s den of iniquity, tell your boyfriend that you’ve become a born-again, family-values girl who just wants to hang out with her own cool parental units. And for God’s sake, change your e-mail address. 

More importantly, don’t blame yourself for this! Can you help it if handsome young men and dirty old men find you equally captivating?

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