Tits and Ask: Do I say, “Fuck, Yeah!” before I say, “I Do?”

DEAR KEN & ARIEL: I’m currently in my senior year of college, and am engaged to be married to my boyfriend of six years after I graduate next May. He’s the only lover I’ve ever had, and while I love him dearly and want to spend the rest of my life with him, I’d really like to have at least one other lover before I marry, just for the sake of experience. Would having a one-nighter before I take the vow make me a bad person?

KEN SAYS: Messing around behind the back of the dude you’re betrothing yourself to might not make you a bad person, but it would certainly win you a spot on the “folks who shouldn’t be getting married” list. While I’m not going to doubt your love for hubby-to-be, the fact that you’re pining for another man to take you to town should raise a serious red flag.

There are basically two camps of thought on the subject of marriage: Those who consider it the holiest bond that two people can share, and those who shun it, believing it unnatural for any human being to dedicate him or herself to just one lover for a lifetime. The fact that you haven’t even taken the big step but are already looking to sample something else off the cock menu implies that you have a lot more life to live.

My gut reaction is that if you don’t address this problem now, you’ll end up one of those married women who stares a bit too long at the landscaper as he tears up the shrubs (not a euphemism, by the way), or, worse, ends up scandalized after offering to model thongs for the paperboy. 

So unless you’re pining for a future as the “harlot of the cul de sac,” you might want to rethink your impending nuptials.

ARIEL SAYS: Why the rush to get your MRS degree? Six years is admirable, and both of you have probably gone through more than us superficial nincompoops could possibly fathom. But there’s something about that lush, velvety green stuff on the other side of the fence. Even if it turns out to be crab grass or Astroturf, it’s better to see it for yourself instead of watching the “what-if” Lifetime movie in your head for the next 30 years.

Now, my dear, the decision between monogamy or nymphomania is entirely up to you. However, I must caution that before you prance off for some bodice-ripping, member-pulsing excitement, it will likely be NOTHING like trashy Harlequin novels, nothing like the movies, not even close to 50 Shades of Douche. The ubiquitous volunteers you’ll discover at your local watering hole will be of a more reptilian nature, from the shallow end of the gene pool. So, go ahead and pick one from the stack, and away we go. Wham, bam, thank you ma’am. Sorry, no breakfast included. 

As you stumble around trying to locate your bra in his pig-sty of a room (spy the Kate Upton poster on the closet door yet?), you’ll start to wonder if this was simply beginner’s bad luck, and that you should probably find another cute volunteer. And so on, and so on.

What I’m trying to say is that a one-night stand is probably not going to be enough to satisfy your curiosity. In order to be really sure, you need to go out and experience a little slice of life on your own, not just from the inside of another man’s bedroom. If you and lovely 6-year dude are meant to be, you’ll find your way back to each other. 

Hey, that’s what happens in the movies, right?

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