Tits and Ask: Do I Stay or Do I Go?

That's it, I'm outta here--wheee, try and catch me!

That’s it, I’m outta here–wheee, try and catch me!

DEAR KEN & ARIEL: I moved to another state about six months ago, where I started a new job. I moved out here with nothing, family four hours away and just my belongings. I met this great woman, and we were like friends but pretty much just at work. She had a boyfriend and neither of us really showed interest in the other. Well about two and a half months ago, her and I really have got to know each other. Her and I are both single now, and we have really been getting along. Now the kink–I am moving back closer to home, before her and I have actually declared anything between us, and we will be apart about 4 hours. What are the two of us to think of this, and how are we supposed to leave everything? We still have a month to spend quality time and get to know each other, do we leave as just friends or is there more that we are supposed to see? People have told us that we complement each other, and we are hitting it off. We care so much for each other, but are afraid of being hurt and hurting each other. I already hurt her when I told her that I was in love with her and then told her I was moving closer to home. I don’t want to hurt her again, but she is my world right now and I don’t want to lose that. What should I do?

KEN SAYS: Dude, with all due respect, your trajectory was laid out the minute you uttered those three magic words. “I love you” is probably the most powerful sentence ever forged, rivaled only by “I do” and “You’re under arrest.” And, no, I’m not trying to imply any Freudian connection between all three of those statements. Or am I?

I think the real problem here is your inability to get to the heart of the matter. In other words, it seems about high time that either you or Princess Silly stop sashaying around the issue and simply blurt out the one thing that needs to be asked: “Is it worth my/your time for me/you to stick around?” It seems as if you may have been silently hoping that the minute you announced your impending departure, the background music would start to swell, your intended would tear open her blouse (revealing a perfectly rounded pair of breasts might I add–nice going, kid!), and the two of you would have locked in a heated embrace, knowing full well that you simply couldn’t leave. Instead, you blurted out what seems like some sort of perverse ultimatum, and she broke down. Now how unromantic is that?
If she really is, as you say, “your world,” and you really, really don’t want to hurt her, then it’s time to grab yourself by the balls and do what you have to do. My one regret is that you didn’t tell us exactly why you were heading back toward home. Is it a job? Hell, you can probably find one of those just about anywhere. A dying relative or friend? Unless you’re Marcus Welby, there ain’t much you can do to hold back the inevitable (here’s where my sensitivity training really shines through bright and clear).

Bottom line: Ask yourself how you’ll feel if you let this chick get away. If the answer gives you a lump in the throat and a cold chill up yer spine, cancel those plane tickets, bubbee.

ARIEL SAYS: Question: Were you a sucker for the classic Hollywood romance schtick, where the poor dude is running after the bus/train/ice cream truck, professing endless love as his soulmate is gunning for the Interstate? You sound so absolutely heartbroken, I want to wrap my arms around you and give you a good old-fashioned nuzzle. But alas, my laptop isn’t into cuddling.

Mom is telling you to come home for dinner on a permanent basis, and you are obeying the Oedipal order (hey, I can speculate, right?). You love bonita-chiquita even though earlier you claim that you and her haven’t “declared anything between us.” Baby, reread your letter. As far as anything to declare, you pretty much took out your 20 ounces of hashish at Customs and waved it in the grumpy INS agent’s face.

Your girl knows, and she must love you too, otherwise she wouldn’t be hurt. Instead, she’d be smiling and nodding nervously while making a mental note to change her phone number to unlisted the minute you town.

You need not despair over four lousy hours. Long-distance relationships can be tough, but thousands of couples with far greater distances and obstacles have succeeded. 

If you both stick it out, you’ll make it work. How? Two words, darlin’: Skype sex.

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