Tits and Ask: Dude, Why the Rush to Start Dating?

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First thing you should do upon achieving singledom? Call these girls.

Need sex, dating or love advice? From complete strangers? Ask away.

Dear Ken & Ariel: My wife and I recently divorced after 10 years of marriage. So now I’m 32 years old and find myself in the unfamiliar territory of the dating world. It’s been over a decade since I’ve been on a date and I was just wondering what’s changed and what can I expect? Where do I start? Any help would be welcomed.

Ken Says: Actually, dude, I have a question for you: Have you recently been on a safari to Africa? I ask this because if you were, you need to get yourself to a doctor, first thing. Because you were probably bitten by a mosquito carrying malaria, as you’re definitely showing the symptoms, the most prominent of which are unclear thinking and irrational behavior.

Dude, you just got out of a relationship that lasted, according to your letter, at least ten years and ended in divorce. The last thing you need to be doing is sizing up potential replacements.

My suggestion: lock yourself in a Chinatown hotel room with three hookers and six bottles of whiskey. Or try to pick up some chick in the lodge at Killington and ask if she’ll blow you on the chairlift (hint: money can be an excellent persuader). Or hop a quick flight to Vegas with two thousand dollars and no luggage whatsoever.

In other words, the best way to clear your mind after the dissolution of a long-term relationship is to get out there and experience the shit you weren’t able to do for the past ten years. Do you know how many motherfuckers would LOVE to be in your position? Give them something to be jealous of, man.

Once you wake up on the Mexican border with no pants, a tattoo you don’t remember and a sizable hickey across your abdomen, I’d say you’re ready to start dating again.

Ariel Says: Honey, as much as you may feel out of touch, not much has changed. The sluts are still slutty (huzzah!), the gold diggers are still digging (booo), and the ones saving themselves already got married at 19 (and are probably at their lawyer’s right now filing annulment paperwork.)

Now instead of heading for your local watering hole to play catchup, (not that there’s anything wrong with that, ahem cough*wasjusttherelastnight*cough), I’d suggest dipping your toes into one of those online dating sites. You know, the ones with the really stupid commercials.

Here’s a quick reference guide: If you’re in the mood for just sex but want more teeth than your dive bar can offer, (you sly dog, you), check out adultfriendfinder.com. If you want old farts, go to E-harmony.com. Want to live on the wild side? Choose from Plenty of Felons at PlentyofFish.com. If you want the Southeast Expressway of dating, try Match.com. Craigslist is generally good for glory holes, anger fucks, severe mommy issues and some great second-hand couches. Nerve.com happily caters to your inner freak who still reads the New Yorker on the can. And the Onion personals are for nerds who secretly wanna fuck Stephen Colbert.

Instead of letting another decade go by, let the interwebz be your love connection!

1 Comment

  1. Chappy Peaches

    February 22, 2013 at 3:49 pm

    Hello!! Don’t forget about jotting your number down on a bathroom stall! Nothing beats the “for a good time, call…” with a Sharpee tactic!! That’s how I caught my winner winner!!

    Cheerz!!

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