Tits and Ask: Friends… or Fuck Buddies?

You know what he's thinking. And it's not "Let's get married!"

You know what he’s thinking. And it’s not “Let’s get married!”

Dear Ken & Ariel: My ex and I broke up in 2007. I thought he was the love of my life, but apparently, I was wrong. However, after a couple years that allowed me to heal, we became friends. In fact, even though we haven’t lived in the same city since 2009, I still consider him my best guy friend. I went to visit him during the summer of 2011, and we ended up sleeping together. Since then, we’ve continued to talk on the phone or email each other almost every day, and we still get together every couple of months and sleep together. Bottom line is that I still have feelings for him, but when I informed him of this, he said his feelings haven’t changed and that we should “remain friends.” Yet, the sex and the daily conversations continue. Although I’m not sure I want to be in a relationship with him considering the distance between us, I find myself discounting other opportunities because I prefer him to anyone else, new or old. What the hell is happening here, and more importantly, what the hell am I supposed to do about it?

Ariel Says: My friend Petra really liked this guy, but she suspected he might be gay. Never one to be discouraged by such trifling details, she tied him to the bed one night and proceeded to fuck him six ways from Sunday. Now, they live happily ever after… except he calls her “Bob” and insists that she wear a strap-on.

So basically my dear, as much as you try to deny it, you are back with the ex. Call it “friends with benefits,” call it recycling, call it whatever you want. But if it walks like a duck, quacks like a duck…you know the rest. What the hell are you supposed to do about it? That’s entirely up to you.

Are you happy? If you are, stop writing to us and have fun. If you’re not, it’s time to take off the sex-colored glasses and realize that if you keep doing what you’re doing, what you got is what you gonna get. At least that’s what my gynecologist tells me.

Ken Says: You know how you can’t leave dogs alone with any open containers of food because the little fuckers will just sit there and eat the whole goddam bag, even past the point that they’re full? That’s kinda like how guys are when it comes to sex. If it’s there and it’s available to us, we’re going to continue to hit it until such time that it is taken away from us or we reach that magical age when we become more interested in hedge funds and Vick’s Vapo-Rub than attempting to maintain an erection for more than six minutes.

So to answer your question of “what the hell is happening here,” I can tell you it’s a textbook case of “guy being offered free, no strings pussy and guy, being a guy, accepting said pussy.”

As for what the hell you’re supposed to do about it, well, let me think. You’ve got two people who admit they don’t want to be in a relationship with each other, live in different cities and hook up every time they’re together. As much as I hate to stand in the way of a dude and his freebies, it’s probably time to recognize this guy for the Fuck Buddy he is, and move along. Or just enjoy the ride. Christ knows a reliable fuck buddy is more valuable than gold these days.

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