Tits and Ask: Going Down On The First Date? (Why The Hell Not?)



DEAR KEN AND ARIEL: When is it appropriate to blow a guy? On the first or second date?


KEN SAYS: Well, my gut reaction is to say something really coy, such as, “If you’re out with me, then I would suggest the first date.” But as we’re in the business of giving, er, advice around here, I’ll try to keep it real.

Basically, it all boils down to the kind of person you are. While I’m sure no self-respecting guy would turn down a good knob-job (or even a bad one, for that matter), establishing a pattern of doling out the gifts so eagerly may work you into a pattern by which you never again see the inside of a restaurant. On the other hand, you’re likely to get a lot more dates once the good word spreads.

There once was a time, of course, when blow jobs were actually considered something fairly intimate–most often reserved for those at least knee-deep in a relationship. But these days it seems that hummers are becoming as casual as handshakes. Ever since head made the headlines in the late ’90s (thanks to our boy Bill Clinton), it’s been a virtual blowjob free-for-all, and I must say it certainly gives me hope for the future. And damn those people who cite Clinton’s transgressions as setting back the presidency 200 years. Hell, I’m sure Abraham Lincoln enjoyed more than a few Oval Office smoothies in his time, but Bill Clinton actually had to go on live TV and ‘fess up to it.

As I see it, though, anything that can be done to help the blow job further permeate the mainstream is simply a good thing, so I applaud your efforts. Carry on!

ARIEL SAYS: I frantically flipped through the latest edition of The Rules, but all I could find was “Don’t make plans with him for the weekend unless he calls you on or before Wednesday, by 7:57 a.m.” Ms. Manners was absolutely no help, either–these ladies need to wake up and address this pressing social dilemma, not prattle on endlessly about which goddamn fork to use when eating foie gras! But don’t fret dear; you’ve come to the right source.

First of all, far be it from me to dictate what you’d like to do on the first date. Sky diving, water-skiing, tennis or oral sex (not necessarily in that order)–it’s really your call. If you find supreme pleasure in pleasuring another then by all means, indulge.However, there’s one pesky aspect we must consider–your very eager and willing subject. Boys are lovely creatures, but also a tad paranoid. As you offer up your fabulous talents, the young lad’s first thought will likely be: “Holy fucking shit, I’ve just won the lottery!” Then, “woooah, eaaggh, uhhhh, wahoooeeey”, followed by invocations of God and Jesus and all the disciples, saints, and the cast of Fame.
After nirvana has come and gone, suspicion inevitably sets in. “Wait a minute,” his brain says. “This is too good to be true! I’m not that special. If she does this with me, she’ll do this with every guy she meets. What will my mother say? What will my friends say? Has she blown my friends, too? Didn’t I see her name in magic marker above the urinal cake at McCabe’s Pub?”


You see, it’s his insecurity, not your reputation that you must consider before taking the Nestea plunge. Most boys simply would not believe someone as amazing as you could possibly exist in their universe, so there must be a catch. On that caution, I would advise that you wait for blast-off until you’re sure he can handle such verve.

2 Comments

  1. Alex

    July 6, 2012 at 2:46 pm

    It’s my belief that the following should happen in this particular order. Dinner, Drinks, Blowjob, Crying, Sky Diving, apply more BJs as needed.

    I’ve had first date BJs turn into serious multi-month relationships FFS!

    First date might be a little much, but come on. We can hate too much, can we?

  2. Ariel

    July 6, 2012 at 6:26 pm

    Well, fuck, Alex, we may just have to get married. Sounds like a dream date to me. ps-you’re the one crying, tears of joy one would assume, from my incredible oral sklz?

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