Tits and Ask: He Says She’s Just a (Facebook) Friend

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My fiance recently connected with an ex on Facebook and he’s been spending a lot of time chatting with her. Turns out she wants to get together with him just to “talk some things through.” He says she just wants closure and that I have nothing to worry about, but I don’t like the communication. Am I within my right to tell him to cease and desist?

KEN SAYS: First of all, I want to add your name to the list of nominees for “world’s most tolerant fiancee.” The very fact that you’re allowing this communication to occur speaks volumes; I once mumbled an ex’s name in my sleep at a girlfriend’s apartment and woke up the next morning beaten and left for dead on the bank of the Charles.

As you might surmise from that story, I’ve never had much trouble with exes getting back in touch with me. Mostly because I don’t just burn bridges, I pull the USS Enterprise right up alongside them and fire photon torpedoes all fuckin’ day long. I’m not proud to say there are at least a half dozen women across New England right now who not-so-fondly remember me as that “terrible, terrible thing” that once happened into their lives.

Still, I can understand your concern. After all, this isn’t just an old acquaintance. They’ve seen each other naked. Once you’ve seen each other naked, there’s no going back to “friends.” It’s either “enemies” or “people who can still hang around each other but things still get awkward and after a couple drinks the subject of handjobs might come up.” At least that’s how I roll.

So what to do. As I see it, you don’t need proof that your man is pulling the full Carlos Danger to want to put a stop to it. You guys are engaged to be married, and you’re completely “within your right” to tell him that you’ve got a problem with this. That it doesn’t feel right to you. And if you want to punctuate it with a killer blowjob, even better.

Another idea is to ask if you can tag along for this meet-and-greet. An invasive medical exam might be more enjoyable, but at least it would set you mind at ease.

Bottom line, the past is the past. If he feels he needs to close this chapter of his life, and if you trust him (which I assume you do) then so be it. Let him do it. Just make sure he knows that once it’s closed, it needs to stay that way.

Otherwise, you may want to relay the story of an unfortunate boyfriend and his late-night trip to the Charles.

ARIEL SAYS: You know, I had a problem with a boyfriend still accepting gifts from an ex. “Hey, it’s a sweet gesture, and it’s for my birthday,” he reasoned. “Hey, it’s an invite for a fucking private lingerie show, hosted at HER HOUSE,” I bellowed back. The gifts were returned.

Now, was my boyfriend just being clueless? I don’t think he had any intention of getting back with her, but he sure did like the attention and free swag. I had to explain, in my calm voice (like spitting nails through gritted teeth; v. attractive) that I trusted him completely, but her behavior felt disrespectful and threatening to our relationship, and if he didn’t want to have my foot extracted from his ass (or, let’s be real, if he still wanted me hanging around) he’d have to cut that bitch off at the pass. And he did.

So you are free to do the same with your fiance, in your “calm voice.” Just like what you said to us: you don’t like the communication, it makes you uncomfortable, and while you believe his motives are pure as the driven snow, you’re just not sure about hers (Yes you do. You know exactly what this fucking sneaky bitch’s motives are. You can read her like a motherfucking book with pictures. But you can’t play that card because you’ll come off as the crazy one. See how this bullshit has to play out?).

After you’ve said your peace, say no more and let it go. Because he’s a grown up and he can handle his business, and you trust him. Right? (Psst. The answer has to be “right.”)

3 Comments

  1. SexyLittleIdeas.com

    July 29, 2013 at 4:51 pm

    Wow, you guys are hilarious. I would totally say something witty about your post, but it really is funny enough without the peanut gallery.

    • Ariel

      August 1, 2013 at 6:27 pm

      And, YOU, my lovely, are a total tease. Don’t hold out on us, comment away!!!

  2. Pingback: » august 2013 wisdom

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