Tits and Ask: He Tells His Friends EVERYTHING About Our Sex Life

"But wait... I haven't told you about her sweaty ass yet..."

“But wait… I haven’t told you about her sweaty ass yet…”

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Dear K&A: I recently found out that my boyfriend has been sharing a lot of details about our sex life with his friends. Like everything, right down to, to quote one of his friends, “what your pussy tastes like.” I’m somewhere between mortified and angry. Any suggestions for how I deal with this?

KEN SAYS: I hate to say that’s just how most guys are. But that’s just how most guys are. Look, we, as a gender, are often conversationally challenged when placed in groups with other men. Topics are typically limited to the score of last night’s game, what we’d do if we suddenly came into possession of a giant robot, and, perhaps most of all, women. Sure, things may dip into “who would win in a fight between Superman and the Hulk” territory, but for the most part, it’s women.

On the bright side, he seems to be speaking of your sexual prowess in positive terms. Unless, to use your example, he’s equating the “taste of your pussy” with deep-throating a horse (in which case–how would he know?) Assuming it’s all good, I’d say that’s a positive sign. There are some guys who go out of their way to avoid letting their friends know about any of the wildebeests they’ve bedded (and let’s just say I’ve practically earned a zoology degree with my conquests). The fact that he’s relaying every sordid detail tells me he’s at least proud of what goes on.

If it really bothers you to the point that you don’t need the visual of his buddies high-fiving every time you administer a blowjob or turn a perfect reverse cowgirl, try this: let slip that somehow the size of his cock has been discussed with your girlfriends. Nothing will level the playing field quicker. Trust me.

ARIEL SAYS: You know the expression, “loose lips sink ships?” Well, in your case it’s “loose lips suck shit,” and I understand why you’re angry. The last thing you need, as you dollop another spoonful of spicy guac on your nachos at game time, is to look up and see his buddies smile knowingly at each other and then stare fixedly at your crotch. No tengo panocha salsa, madres fuckers.

You could take this as a form of flattery, I guess. I mean, it sounds like he’s bragging about your mad copulation skillz, not complaining about bedding three-day-old tuna. And he’s obviously very proud of your sex life and feels it is important enough to share the good news with his boys, like one of those proud moms who has the bumper sticker, “my daughter’s an honor student.” Except yours would read, “…at the School of Fucking.” So, hooray?

OK, now: how to deal. There’s several options. One is to tell him that if he keeps shooting his mouth off he’s going to run out of material right quick when he’s shut off for life. Another is to just roll with it, take it as a compliment and maybe even amp up the action a notch or two so that the fellas know what they’re truly missing, a la the words of Mr. Christopher Bridges: “a lady in the streets but a freak ‘n the bed.”

But unfortunately, sugar, aside from threatening to cut his balls off with a rusty pair of scissors, there’s no real way to guarantee that he’ll keep his mouth shut. So either accept that it’s one of your man’s more bizarre attempts of showing pride in his lady love, or kick his ass to the curb and hit up one of those strong, silent types.

I think they’re called mimes.

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