Tits and Ask: How to Forget the Unforgettable Ex

sunshiyne

Need laughable but free sex advice? Hit us up, pilgrim.

To Ken and Ariel: What is the best way to get over someone? I’ve been broken up with my ex for 3 years now and still think about her constantly. Is there any chance I’ll ever get her out of my head?

KEN SAYS: Three years in and you’re still pining for this girl? Dude (assuming you’re a dude), I have so many questions. Did she high-tail it out of your life with a sizable sum of your cash or worldly possessions? Is she still writing checks off your joint bank account? Did she break the lock on your apartment when she left, leaving you trapped in there living off old magazines and REO Speedwagon records?

Of course, I kid. I know how much it sucks to break up with someone and, trust me, I’ve been the guy combing Facebook updates and using GPS monitoring devices to try to determine just what my exes were up to on any given lonely Friday night.

But after three years, dude: that ship has sailed.

Assuming that what’s keeping you apart isn’t that her dad locked her in a dark tower of his Transylvanian castle, it’s probably time to move on. Sometimes this involves simply removing any reminders of her that you might have lying around the house (photos, blood samples, sweaters made from her eyelashes), stepping outside, and realizing that ours is a big, beautiful world full of other women who–and here’s the thing–you might also find happiness with.

Seriously, other than going all Eternal Sunshine and opting for a full memory wipe (which, I understand, can also be achieved by adopting a stroctly-vodka diet), the best way to forget someone is to start fucking someone else.

Especially the fucking part. Because fucking is awesome.

ARIEL SAYS: Three years? Yeesh, that’s practically a college degree. But all you’re getting is a diploma from… wait for it… the school of broken hearts.

I’m truly sorry to hear that you’re still pining after the one who got away. So, here’s a couple of questions for you to ponder:

Is it unfinished business? Do you need closure? A sit-down, get-all-the-shit-out, air-that-dirty-laundry conversation may be in order. (If there are no pending restraining orders or harassment charges, of course.) Watch that old ’90s chestnut High Fidelity a few times, then call her up and see if she’s available for coffee and a confession. There may be some painful revelations, but maybe it’s exactly what you need to hear to kick your ass in gear and hightail it to some new tail.

Another question: what’s the payoff here? Have you conveniently forgotten all the annoying bullshit that she pulled while you were together, in order to maintain the fantasy of the world’s Most Perfect Woman(TM) and continue to put her on a pedestal, using her celestial image as a baseball bat to fend off any other mortal female creature who dares to approach? A helluva way to keep your life on hold, stay on the sidelines, avoid any possible risk of getting hurt – and actually experience real intimacy. Might as well just buy yourself a Real Doll, because the fantasy you and those weirdos are pursuing are one in the same.

Anyway, I feel for you, sweetheart, but three years is too long to be chasing a memory. It’s time to dust off the old codpiece and c’mon out and play!

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