Tits and Ask: Is My Girlfriend Faking It?

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I’ve been dating my girlfriend for a year now and I don’t think she’s had a legitimate orgasm once. With other women, I knew. But with her, I just don’t. I’ve asked her point blank and while she admitted to faking it once or twice, she tells me, “you keep me satisfied.” Is there any way I will ever know what’s going on?

KEN SAYS: I prep for sex the same way I prep for a long hike in the woods: I wear my flashiest boots, carry plenty of rope, and always bring my camera just in case I run into Bigfoot. Although in the case of sex, “Bigfoot” is “the female orgasm.”

Mind you, with that analogy, I am in no way insinuating that the female orgasm is a mythical creature, designed to keep men humble and ever-curious. I’m just saying that although many people say it exists, I’ve never actually laid eyes on it.

Joking aside, it sounds like the root of your problem is you, not your girlfriend. You see, while there is still a lot I’ll never truly understand about the female of the species, my extensive research has confirmed two things: Before confessing to sleeping with her best friend, it’s a good idea to shield your nuts. And if the sex is no good, they’re not gonna stick around for long.

You say you’ve been dating for a year. That’s an awful long time to put up with bad sex. Hell, I once had a woman leave my apartment just ten minutes into it, although it likely had more to do with my insistence on lip-synching Usher’s “Yeah!” before consummating the deal.

What I’m trying to say is that if you weren’t, as your girlfriend so eloquently put it, “keeping her satisfied,” she probably would have pulled up the tents a long time ago and hitched them to some other guy’s pecker. So just take her word for it and keep your focus where it belongs during sex: the score of tonight’s ballgame.

ARIEL SAYS: So she’s keeping you in the dark about her Secret O, yes? It’s wonderful that you are an attentive and solicitous lover, but you don’t need to go all NSA on her little Taliban ass.

Let’s face it – if “with other women, I knew,” well, then your instincts are already telling you what’s going on. But if your id and ego are desperately trying to keep you in the dark, I better spell it out for you: s-h-e-d-i-d-n-o-t-c-o-m-e.

Hey now, don’t fret! I applaud your efforts to keep your bedroom activities along the same lines as “The Amazing Race”, and I would suggest you continue your campaign. Consider it a personal challenge, a personal record if you will, but this time it will be YOUR little secret. Otherwise, if you keep asking her, you may get a fake “oh yes!” instead of “uh, nope.” And you’re back to where you started.

So keep it exciting, keep it creative, and I have a feeling when your efforts do finally pay off, you will be one of several who are well aware of the earth-shaking orgasm happening in Apartment 3-G.

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