Tits and Ask: Married + Coworker = Do Not Screw

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Dear K&A: I’ve been fooling around for about a year now with a woman from my office. She’s married, and a good ten years older than me, and I knew I’d be just a fling. But now I’m feeling attached and get jealous whenever I see the photos of her kids on her desk or hear her mention her husband during work conversations. Am I wrong to think that something long-term could come of this?

KEN SAYS: Dude, there’s so much that’s not right here, I don’t even know where to start.

For one thing, you broke the cardinal rule which state that you never, ever shag a coworker. I don’t care if it’s Sinnamon Love and you’re holding a ladder steady for her while she gets something off the top shelf of a locked closet in a remote corner of the office and you glance up and realize she’s not wearing underwear and she starts lowering herself toward your face while “bow-chicka-wow-wow” pumps from the speakers.

For another, you’re messing with a married woman, which means you’re going to end up either inheriting someone else’s kids, getting beat with a lead pipe by a jealous husband, or spending your nights in a parked car outside her house staring inside as her she straddles the hubby or fixes Thanksgiving dinner for the kids. Not a good place to be, especially if you’re not actually in a car but hanging from a tree in her front yard dressed as Batman. Not that I’ve been there. Er.

Also, with a decade gap between the two of you, I’d say you’re both comfortably in “different places” in your respective lives.

So, to put it mildly, I’d say that at best you’re deluding yourself. If she wanted to leave her husband for the comfy confines of your one-bedroom apartment with the Pantera posters, she would have probably already broached the subject. And if given the chance, would you really want to slide into her husband’s role and be Replacement Dad to her brood? That’s a lot to take on for a piece of ass.

One year in, I’d say what you’ve got is what you’re gonna get. So accept it and carry on, or find someone with a little less baggage.

But if you happen to talk her into photocopying her ass during a late-night office grope, spread that wealth around, buddy.

ARIEL SAYS: Yes. Very, very wrong.

Oh, wait, I’m supposed to write more. OK, here’s the long answer. Sweetheart, given my prison–I mean track record in the dating genre, I’m hardly one to judge. But what you’ve got here is a workplace-adultery saga, the stuff of nightmares and telenovelas.

OK, I’m back. Just wrote a bunch of sanctimonious, holier-than-thou bullshit I had to delete. You’re not asking for a dissertation on the moral pitfalls of adultery. You’re just asking if this is going to go anywhere. First of all, since this has been going on for more than a year, it’s no longer a fling, it’s the fucking elephant in the room. It’s no longer “fun,” it’s no longer, “oh I can’t believe we just did that in the break room. In front of Shirley nuking her Lean Cuisine, no less!” It’s just heading for complicated, endless arguments, resentments and the #1 trending topic of office conversation (coming in at a close second: Norm’s weekly recap of “NCIS”). Your feelings are growing, and then getting stomped on.

No, she’s not going to leave the hubby and the minivan. And, honestly is that what you want? That’s what you have to ask yourself: if she was truly available, would you feel the same way? Probably not. Forbidden fruit is ever-so-sweet. Year-old fruit, not so much.

Now, ask yourself, how fucking awesome would it be to have a vixen, not at work, not taking the kids to soccer practice? Someone who was sexting you 24-7 with no fear of “being caught” (except by the N.S.A.), proudly yapping about you to her co-workers and friends, and had photos of you spread-eagle all over her office? OK, OK, maybe just in her bedroom. Sounds pretty good, huh?

I’m not telling you what to do, but the ROI on this current 401-fuck is rapidly depleting. Time to diversify, honey.

Got a question? Hit us up, bro.

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