Tits and Ask: My Girlfriend’s Friend is a Bad Influence

Guys: Keeping it classy since forever.

Guys: Keeping it classy since forever.

Dear A & K (see what I did there?): My girlfriend recently started hanging out with one of her girlfriends from work. All well and good, but this friend is VERY single and spends a good chunk of her time in bars chasing guys and always wants my girl to go along as her “wing woman.” I’m not wild about the idea of my girlfriend out there trying to get her friend laid (and mingling with guys who might want to lay her). Anything I can do without sounding like a dick?

KEN SAYS: I know how guys are, especially when we’re out drinking in bars, mentally undressing everything with breasts and a heartbeat that happens within our field of vision. After a few beers, it only gets worse, as we start imagining what it would be like to 69 the hat-rack in the corner of the bar.

So when our women tell us that they’re going out with their friends to a bar, we immediately hear the Lost in Space robot yelling “Danger, Will Robinson.” Because, as you infer, unless they’re heading to “2-for-1 dyke night” at the local Pizza Hut (a real thing, or so I’ve been told), they will be in the presence of slightly inebriated guys with one thing on their mind.

Never mind the fact that for inexplicable chromosomal reasons, women seem perfectly capable of going out with their friends, having some drinks, dancing and flirting innocently, and actually heading back home without blowing the bartender. In our male minds, they’re grinding to Flo Rida on the bar top, showing their boobs or thongs for free drinks, or engaging the local biker gang in a spirited round of “Fuck Tac Toe.”

So I guess it all comes down to how much you trust her. From the info you’ve provided, all I see is that your girlfriend’s a stand-up friend, trying her best to help a pal get laid. Has she cheated in the past? Is there a reason you should be suspicious? Are you feeling guilty about something and somehow projecting it on your woman (just please tell me it doesn’t involve screwing her grandmother)?

If not, then, yeah, you’ll look like a colossal, controlling dick if you try to stop her from going out with her friend. If you need some reassurance, tell her your concerns. She may find it flattering. She may find it odd. But at least you put it out there.

ARIEL SAYS: Sweetheart, ain’t nothing wrong with a sister trying to help another sister get some. Hell, if I had to drop a couple Gs on her bridal madness (A destination wedding in Tahiti. Fuck yeah.) or had to listen for the umpteenth time the Hallmark Channel/Lifetime Movie marathon of “how me and my b-fff met and fell in love”, the least she could do is talk to some fucking yahoos and make me seem somewhat normal (read: not desperate) while I go hunt some Moby Dicks. It doesn’t mean she actually likes the fucking yahoos, she’s just helping a sister out. Must you begrudge my raging horniness with your discomfort of an ever-so-slight-possibility of a gang bang?

Onto the next. How do you not come off sounding like Moby, I mean Dick? Hmmm…well, the worst thing you can do is tell her she can’t go. Try that on for size and then sit back and enjoy the show as she wraps herself in dental floss, cotton candy tassels and 25-inch stilettos, flipping you off as she heads out for the evening. No, sweet prince, you’ll have to be a bit more subtle than that.

My suggestion would be to show her what she’s missing. Instead of greeting her with the usual uniform of droopy drawers, a turkey leg and a remote, why not take off that Plymouth Run to the Rock 5k Fun Run(tm),throw on those skinny jeans and start fixing that pesky bottom shelf. Or that floor tile. No, not that one, the one towards the left–mmmmm, yeah. Or how about dinner? Like, at an eating establishment? That doesn’t have a “Buster” in the name? Or, and here’s my fave, why not just fuck her so dramatically-amazingly-mind-blowingly-orgasmy-awesome that she’ll have trouble remembering her own name, much less have the stamina to go out to da cluuub?

If she still goes out, you’ll still be OK. Because you’re the shit. That’s right: Ariel says you’re a cool dude, you love your woman, and she’s a lucky bitch because she knows no matter who she meets, she still gets to go home to you.

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