Tits and Ask: Resurrecting the Dead Libido

I'd prefer to just lie around in my underwear, thanks.

DEAR KEN AND ARIEL: My boyfriend and I started having sex a couple of months ago. However, no matter what he does, I can’t seem to feel any pleasure from him, so now, he refuses to have sex at all. What can I do to actually be able to receive pleasure from him?

KEN SAYS: Let’s take a few steps back a minute. For all our gusto and bravado, guys can be sensitive, too. Kick us in the nuts, and by God, we’re gonna fall over, possibly calling for our mothers. Likewise, if we’re enraptured by a particular female and get all caught up in those first magic months of dating, before the drunken fighting and death threats kick in, we’re gonna be at least a little concerned that our “performance” in the sack measures up. If you happened to address the issue with him by saying something like, “Is it in yet?” or “You sure you know how to use that thing?”, there’s a good chance your man may have retreated to the Island of HolyShitNowWhatDoIDo, where he’ll hang out until you toss him a line or show him the door.

So why not suggest ways to spice things up. Saying something like, “You know, it would be totally hot if you put on this Batman mask and nailed me from behind, while we blast the Dead Kennedys on the stereo.” You never know what might trigger his inner wildebeest. And if all else fails, hit me up, because I’m totally down for that Batman mask shit.

ARIEL SAYS: Trade him in for a newer model, sugar! Nah, just kidding. But I need more specifics. How is he not giving you the ride of your life? Is it the size of the wave or the motion of the ocean? Are you lying there like a dead fish, counting the ceiling tiles as he puts in his three minutes of hard labor? Because sex, my dear, is a two-way street. It’s not all up to him. First, you need to find out what gives you pleasure. You know, shortness of breath, turns the tips of your ears red, makes your pulse do triple-time…Here’s a pop quiz: where are your erogenous zones? Where are his? I strongly suggest that you do some research and start getting some supplies. (Thanks to this amazing invention called “the internet”, you can now order this stuff online and it arrives in completely anonymous packaging! I swear, you’d think it was an order from Office Depot! Uh…BTW you might want to make sure it’s not delivered to your work.)

Now, the next thing I want you to do is get together with your man and not have sex. Yup, you heard me right. I want you to do everything BUT—put on some Al Green, get to know each other’s bodies, discover each other’s secrets and desires, but NO SEX. Do this for about one week. You’ll have a PhD in Pleasure Priniciple, I gar-uhn-tee it.


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