Tits and Ask: Saying “Nay” to the Three-Way

threewayy

Need bad sex advice? Hit us up. If we use your question, Ariel will send you an autographed copy of her now-famous Twitter avatar.

Hey Ken and Ariel: I’ve been dating my girlfriend for five years now, and over the last year, she’s been talking a lot about her desire for a three-way. Unfortunately, the type of three-way she wants is with me and another guy. I’m all for adventure and I trust her and love her and want to make her happy, but this isn’t for me. Every time she brings it up I try to change the subject, but lately, she’s been pushing, even dangling the carrot of a three-way with another woman if we do it her way first. Is there any way I can get her to drop this?

ARIEL SAYS: Wait…have you been secretly dating me this whole time and I never knew about it? Because that’s totally on MY bucket list. (BTW, are you the one who keeps farting in bed? I’m almost positive it isn’t me.)

I know this is not what you want to hear, but I find this downright refreshing. The two girls/one dick trope is just so tired, and I was particularly annoyed when it came up in Magic Mike, of all movies. You’ve got more swingin’ dicks than a locker room at half-time, and the one threesome they portray is Tanning Bum-Bum, Olivia Munn, and some blond chick?!? Who the fuck do they think went to go see Magic Mike, Mormons?!?

I digress, as usual. But is having another pogo stick at the birthday party really so bad? His junk won’t come near your junk, I promise. And it’ll be just like guys night out, except your girlfriend won’t be bored. at. all. What if there are buffalo wings and a remote within reach? No? Alright, I understand. What if you wore a blindfold? OK, OK, I’ll stop.

So, how to duck the issue? Don’t. Just be straight up and tell your woman that unfortunately, as much as you’d love to help her cross it off her Christmas list, you won’t be having Joey or Arnold over for leftovers and your girlfriend’s pussy. It just doesn’t work for you. And, you’ll of course be respectful and understanding when there are things that she doesn’t want to do. Right? Right.

I’m almost convinced now you’re not my secret boyfriend. But I’ll leave the door unlocked just in case.

KEN SAYS: First, I just want to say that I understand where you’re coming from. And I agree with you 100 percent. I myself have a standing rule that there’s a maximum number of other guy’s penises that I need to see in a day. And that maximum number is “zero.”

And even though I agree with the fair Ariel that there’s a good enough chance your junk won’t come within walking distance of his, my attitude when it comes to another guy’s cock is: if I can see it, that’s close enough.

That said, there are many things to consider here. First, this is a girl you apparently dig. So if she’s not getting off of this dream, then it’s something you either have to dive into or dismiss with a lengthy heart-to-heart. But be warned: if it means so much to her, it’s probably not going away. And if you won’t do it, you can bet there’s some dudes out there who’d be willing to put up with another guy’s helicoptering if it gets them a shot at your woman’s sweet ass.

Also, you are a better man than me if you can ignore that carrot she’s dangling. A three-way with two women is the Holy Grail of male fantasies, right up there with “being buried alive in Nicki Minaj’s ass” and “crash landing your spaceship on Lipstick Lesbian Island.” If there’s anything that MIGHT make me consider the double dong dash, it’s that.

And remember, as our friends at the Lonely Island explained, it’s not gay if it’s in a three way.

2 Comments

  1. Alex Vasquez

    May 24, 2013 at 2:01 pm

    Honestly, if hi-fiving a bro,after delivering on a well-organized three-way is wrong I don’t want to be fucking right, goddammit.

    • Ken

      May 24, 2013 at 3:52 pm

      You know… when you say it that way, it just makes sense.

Leave a Reply