Tits and Ask: She’s Pretty, Funny, Gives Lousy Head

Dear Ken and Ariel: My girlfriend is awesome in every sense of the word. She is funny, pretty, kind and considerate and gets along with my parents. My only complaint is that she gives a really lame blowjob. I mean the worst I’ve ever had. Any suggestions for how to fix this?

KEN SAYS: “Fix” this? As in have your girl sent back to the warehouse so that the “killer head” circuitry can be rewired? We’ll get right on that, champ. Right after I send the last few Kenettes over to have the “aversion to a guy’s tongue up my ass” chip removed.

Of course, I joke. But let me ask you this, and as a red-blooded man it pains me to ask this but… are blowjobs all that important? I mean, maybe she gives an out-of-this-world handjob (I mean, better than one you’d give yourself). Or maybe she rocks a reverse cowgirl that would make all the debutantes in Houston green with envy. Or maybe she’s into letting you write your name across her boobs in edible marker.

Perhaps a better question is this: How good is the oral you’re giving her?

I mean, maybe your girl has got some porn-star caliber BJ skills hidden beneath that mom-approved exterior, and she’s just aching for a little “inspiration” to let them out. Are you putting your tongue to work for her benefit? Working her pussy with that mouth like a candidate in desperate need of her vote? Are you so eager to tongue-fuck her into eye-glazing delirium that you’ve accidentally ingested at least four pairs of her panties (been there, done that, and trust me, the only bitch is passing the elastic waistband)?

Unless you’re working her like her pussy is a castle and your tongue a mob of antsy vikings, you’ve got no reason to complain. So lay her down (or have her steady herself against a chair or counter, whatever works), get her worked up, and show her what intense, blow-your-fucking-mind-out oral is all about. I think she’ll get the message.

ARIEL SAYS: Jeez, you want a girl who’s pretty, funny, gets along with your parents AND gives mutha-fuckin’ SPECTACULAR head? Well, I’d like world peace, a Bentley Coupe and to be the all-babe patty in a Jason Statham-Jesse Williams Big Mac. Can you make it happen?

Relax, sugar, I’m just giving you a hard time. And I’m glad you’ve found a lovely lass who knows how to use a steak knife, deliver a killer punch line and discuss episodes of Dr. Oz with your mom. Is the blow-job suckiness (pun intended) a deal breaker? Oral sex does not have to necessarily enter into the equation of a physically thrilling experience. Just ask my grandma, who saw Cirque du Soleil’s “Ovo” three times in a row. There are other ways to pleasure and stimulate all five senses, as well as practicing certain methods to get you pulsating and throbbing in other orifices that don’t have, say, 32 fairly sharp teeth.

But if you’re determined to find girlfriend Nirvana (and live to talk about it) we’re here to help. First, start things off nice n’ slow, lover. Get your booty to the supermarket and stock up on Cool Whip, ice cream (preferably without chunks), chocolate syrup, butterscotch topping, you name it. Your penis is about to become Sonic’s latest dessert sensation. Then, gently — gently — ask your lady friend to use her tongue to slowly lick and savor the sweet, drippy, gooey mess. She does not need to put it in her mouth, simply work her way all around the awesome flesh monument of your manhood. (And from what I’ve heard about you, it may take her a while. Heh heh. You’re welcome.)

After you’ve tried this on a couple of occasions (and I mean on different nights, buddy, not five-minute intervals), ease her into the official blow-job manifest, ONLY if she is an eager and willing student. Because look, if she’s not into it, you’re not going to enjoy it. And there’s so many other sexy-sex things to uncover and discover that will BLOW your mind. Don’t BLOW a gasket and BLOW this amazing relationship over lame oral action B’LOW the waistband. P.S. Have you seen my BLOW dryer?

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