Tits and Ask: Small Steel Barbell = Best Smoothie Evah?

tumblr_m2hi80WOql1qj3fi3o1_400DEAR KEN & ARIEL: This girl who lives down the hall from me got her tongue pierced, which she says improves her ability to orally please a man. Now, call me naive, but how exactly does the presence of a small steel barbell intensify a blowjob? This is driving me crazy, and I’m afraid to ask her, or she’ll think I’m interested in her (which I guess I am, but that’s besides the point). Thoughts?

KEN SAYS:Thinking back on the blowjobs I’ve received over the course of my lame-ass existence, I can’t think of a single one which led me to comment, “This is great, sweetie, but if you had a chunk of metal in your mouth, man, that’d be something else!”

That said, how can any red-blooded guy NOT dig a chick who so blatantly taps at our Achilles tendon: the dream of the perfect smoothie. It’s a safe bet that most girls who opt for the barbell know full well the myth that accompanies it, and the fact that they embrace the mantle of oral experimentalists is just further proof that Earth is the single coolest planet to be living on.

In the end, it doesn’t really matter if the presence of a tiny piece of metal really does enhance one’s fellatio skills; the fact that an entire generation of women is marching to the local piercing shop just to send out the “I give killer head” vibe is a good thing.

So, to step back and look at the facts: We’ve got a girl who you’re clearly intrigued by, telling you just how her new apparatus has bolstered her abilities to orally please a man. Dude, we have a winner. And it’s you.

ARIEL SAYS:I may be a dumb-ass, but I suspect that this query has more to do with the girl down the hall than the actual piercing. If she was unattractive, into scarification, AND had her tongue pierced I doubt you’d be so curious.

Still, as a bit of research, I asked a young lass who did indeed have her tongue pierced, and she explained that she wasn’t precisely sure of its effects, but she did take note of how the happy recipients of her handiwork got nosebleeds. That may or may not be a good thing.

I have also interrogated a couple boys who had been on the receiving end of the metallic slide, all of whom reported that they didn’t get nosebleeds, but did achieve a superficial sense of nirvana. It was not earth-shattering, just different. Kind of like snarfing Rocky Road instead of Rainforest Crunch. Their take: Piercings aside, it’s the girl’s technique that counts. And it seems to me she’s asking you to take the piercing challenge. So why not go be a guinea pig? Just bring lots of Kleenex and a clean T-shirt. And flowers would be nice, too.

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