Tits and Ask: The Guy Who Won’t Go Down

So simple, they even put it on a T-shirt

So simple, they even put it on a T-shirt

Dear K&A: Long time reader, first time writer. I’m a healthy, attractive, gainfully employed, 31 year-old woman. The guy I’ve been dating for the last couple weeks revealed to me last night that he “doesn’t eat pussy.” Interestingly, the last couple guys I dated before him were equally averse to cunnilingus. And the one before that was so bad at it–clearly doing it just because I asked him to–that it was about three steps lower than masturbation. My question is: is going down on a woman a dying art, and how the fuck do I go about reversing this trend? Thanks, Tara.

KEN SAYS: I remember a time when I was young and foolish and unschooled in the ways of eating pussy. ::Puts on sailor hat and lights pipe:: It was back in college and I was dating a young, wild rapscallion named Michelle. After a couple hours throwing back vodka shots at a local pub, we stumbled to her place where we engaged in an epic tonsil hockey session. After a half hour of rolling on the floor, she stood up, dropped her jeans and tossed her panties aside and, without a word or warning, straddled my face like it was the last bicycle on Earth and she was looking to escape the apocalypse.

Now, at the time, I was hardly skilled in the art of cunnilingus. But Michelle literally dropped me in the deep-end without a life vest. Her marching orders were simple: eat this if you want to breathe.

So, my nose wedged up her ass and my tongue pressed hard against her heavenly gates, I did. Clumsily, but effectively. And as I felt her grind herself into me and heard her moans fill the apartment, I saw the light. And I was converted to the school of eating pussy.

Today, cunni is my calling card. It’s what I always want to lead with. It’s what I literally cannot wait to do to any new woman who happens into my life (or field of vision, as it may be). And while, yes, there will be fucking, it’s during the pussy-eating portion of any love encounter that I strive to earn the most points from the prestigious judging panel.

So, to your question of whether eating pussy is a dying art, I give a hearty FUCK NO. You just need to find a guy who’s as willing as I am. I like to think there’s a lot of us out there because, as I’ve said many times before, there’s really no fucking excuse for not going down on your woman.

Tell this guy he needs to sack up and eat pussy like a man. Or, even better, tell him no more blow jobs until he gets on his knees for you. That’ll learn him.

ARIEL SAYS: My dear, with regards to your question, there has never been a more appropriate time to say, “Mr. Tenacious Ken, Representative of the city of King of Pussia, you have the floor.”

And I would also say that Mr. K is proof positive that muff-diving is in no way shape or form a dying art; in fact, don’t be too surprised to see its oeuvre celebrated in Christies or Sothebys auction houses one of these fine days. Methinks your dilemma stems from the fact that you are hanging out with the wrong crowd. Like the immature, inexperienced doucher crowd. And they are NOT the cool kids behind the bleachers, girl. They are the ones too scared to leave the bathroom stall.

Now! Oral is not for everyone. It doesn’t have to be. But is he/CAN he please you in other ways? Or his refusal to go downtown to cha-cha-cha-chia town a shining example of how completely selfish, self-centered and inconsiderate he is? That, my dear, is the million-dolla make-u-holla question: A lover who’s not into oral is one thing. OK, fine. But a lover who only wants to get his rocks off and frankly doesn’t give two fucks about your fine rosy-colored diamond is not a lover you should be keeping around the house, much less inside.

Last point: only you can decide if this is a deal-breaker. If you’re so set on reversing this trend, then start with the most common denominator: YOU. Make your needs known before your sexy ass hits the Sealy and see how he responds. Yeah, he could be frontin’ to get in your pants, but once the van starts rockin’ you’ll know if these boots were made for knockin’… or walkin’.

Hey, I’m a poet!

Need bad sex advice? Hit us up, folks.

4 Comments

  1. steve88

    May 17, 2013 at 9:09 am

    Now there’s an art I’d love to master! My problem is actually reversed: girlfriends are usually shy about it and don’t like or feel confortable when I try to go south. I’ve yet to be with a woman who appreciates this kind of attention.

    • Ariel

      May 17, 2013 at 3:33 pm

      Steve, meet Tara. Tara, Steve. I do believe we’ve just made a match in heaven.

  2. Nancy Joyce

    May 18, 2013 at 2:49 pm

    My husband was never a fan of going down on me. In fact after 9 years he didn’t even bother trying. After 20 years together he came out as gay. Not every guy’s explanation but certain cleared a whole lot up for me. The new boyfriend? Its his favorite meal 🙂

  3. Greg smith

    May 20, 2013 at 2:50 pm

    I’d regard it as a required activity if I were a woman. If this guy won’t give it a try and like it, find someone else.

Leave a Reply