Tits and Ask: The Joys of Public Transportation

Lookin Pa Nub In All The Tight Spaces

Lookin Pa Nub In All The Tight Spaces

(Editor’s note: believe it or not, this question was actually NOT written by Ken. We think.)

DEAR KEN & ARIEL: Everyday I take the subway to work and I am always fortunate enough to get a seat. Now over the past three weeks, I have noticed an interesting pattern developing: This tall, beautiful brunette works her way over to where I’m seated and then basically sticks her butt in my face for the duration of the ride. We never have any eye contact–it’s just her butt and my face for about 15 minutes every day (her stop comes before mine). Now I’m an upstanding young citizen who knows better that to stare at a beautiful butt, but it seems like there’s some kind of message being sent here… and I’m not even sure it’s a good message, to be honest. How do I get to the bottom of this (and please pardon the bad pun).

KEN SAYS: A ride on the T–or any city’s subway system for that matter–can be a life’s worth of adventure rolled into twenty minutes. Unfortunately, I have never, in my subway experience, enjoyed a dazzling starlet’s arse arched coyly in my field of vision; rather, it’s the drunken hoboes, pimpled octogenarians and drooling Vietnam vets who usually congregate in my personal space.

Is a message being sent? Perhaps… the T can be a crowded place, and the fact that this chick always manages to position herself where she can best offer you the full view of her backside seems a bit suspicious. In many ways, this is akin to those spandex queens you’ll find in any gym, who feel compelled to test the durability of their stretch pants by bending over and doing extensive hamstring exercises in front of large groups of sweaty men. It’s that whole “I know you wanna look, but I don’t want you to look” vibe that has forever had dudes scratching their heads.

On the other hand, a packed subway car is a cheap feel paradise, and perhaps you’ve been blessed with the sort of honest countenance that tells shapely gals they can dock their derrieres closeby without the threat of unwelcome petting.

Regardless, the first step is to offer this young lass your seat. That’s what known in the trade as your “in.” From there, just pick a topic–the weather, the Sox, your job–and see if she’s game for conversation. If she’s clearly not interested, then you’ll at least seem the chivalrous lad for your act of kindness. And you still get to look forward to her ass in your face the next day.

ARIEL SAYS: John Denver’s underground hit, “Put your ass on my shoulder” would make a fitting soundtrack for your otherwise hellish bouts with the public transportation system. But for God’s sake, don’t start singing that as a come-on to your honey-buns. After all, what if (gasp!) there is no message scrawled across those beautiful cheeks? 

Knowing the subway as intimately as I recall from my Boston days, I certainly understand that people usually don’t have the luxury of choosing where to stick their various body parts. Case in point: I made a sweet old man’s morning much, much sweeter when my subway car jerked to a sudden stop and I impaled him against a Stop & Shop advertisement with my breasts. So you may have to chalk up her habit to a happy convergence of the planets, and pray for a holding pattern.
However, my fine upstanding young citizen, I’m forced to ask, if you’re so eager to converse with her, as Ken suggested, why the hell you haven’t thought to offer her your seat? I know you enjoy the dorsal view she offers, but if you’d like to get to know more than her daily choice of thong or panty, this would be a sensible start. 

If she declines your chivalrous attempt, try to see what she’s reading. Make some inane remark like, “A Perfect Storm? I saw a Marky Mark video once.” If she has nothing to read, offer her a section of your newspaper. Talk about the weather. You have fifteen minutes of her undivided attention (hell, she aint got no where to go, right?). Use it wisely.

1 Comment

  1. Katia

    February 1, 2013 at 11:34 am

    For me, if I am going to stand directly in front of someone, I’d generally prefer it be a non-creepy looking dude. Or someone who looks familiar. Congrats. You’re that guy.

    Thirding offering your seat to her, guy.

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