Tits and Ask: The Sounds of Silence


DEAR KEN AND ARIEL: My boyfriend doesn’t make a sound during sex. No grunting, no dirty talk. Nothing. He barely breathes, in fact. It kind of freaks me out and I wonder if that’s normal?

KEN SAYS: I guess I’ll start off by asking two questions: Is he a practicing mime or did he injure his tongue and/or jaw in an unfortunate but positively awesome-to-read-about cunnilingus accident?

If the answer to both of these is “no,” then I’ll just scroll through the typical reason guys get their Marcel Marceau on whilst screwing:

1. He’s the kind of guy who likes to focus intently on the job at hand (that job being pleasuring you). I once dated a girl who was so obsessed with giving me what she considered the “perfect” blowjob that she brought a slide rule and level to bed with us so she could, as she put it, “get her angle right.” Let’s just say it never quite worked out between us. And I still have pieces of ruler wedged in my colon.

2. He’s got a gambling problem. I’ll be honest; I’ve ruined many an orgasm (both mine and my unfortunate female companion) while worrying if I was losing 10 large on the Steelers game. If there’s anything that can take a guy’s mind off screwing, even while screwing, it’s money.

3. He’s imagining himself with another woman. Let’s assume that this is not the case.

4. He’s imagining himself with a guy. In which case, your problems run a bit deeper than you thought.

5. He’s the kind of guy who keeps it bottled in during sex, but expresses his pleasure through other activities. Has he ever complimented you on a pork chop dinner you just cooked for him, then gripped the table with both hands and started yelling about how awesome the side dishes were as he effectively dry-humped your table cloth? If so, rest assured the sex is fantastic.

6. You never told him you like a little “audio” during sex. For all our bravado and posturing, most guys start praying to the Gods of Sex that we’re satisfying the shit out of a woman the second we enter her. Are you making any noise? If you keep it on the down low too, you’ve probably scared him into silence or at least a healthy dose of inadequacy. Next time you’re going at it, throw a line his way. Something along the lines of, “You like it when I do this?” or “Your balls ready for another trip down Throat Canyon?” should do the trick.

Joking aside, the most likely reason is that he’s putting every ounce of his bodily energy into lasting more than 35 seconds. And, no, I’m not speaking from experience. Honest.

ARIEL SAYS: I guess I would prefer the dulcet tones of my own beautiful voice singing “Oh Sweet Mystery of Life” as opposed to hearing a juice-head taking the biggest shit of his life, which is how a lot of guys sound when they come (at least, that’s how they sound when they’re with ME. Heh heh.) But you aint getting so much as a “so what’s new with you?” pre-, prime, or post-coitus. That can be a tad unnerving. Are you certified in CPR, or have paramedics on speed-dial in case your paramour is no longer just play-acting the role of corpse #37 on CSI? Do you have to hold a mirror to his mouth on occasion?

I would presume, as my lovely partner-in-crime has, that he needs to really concentrate during sex —  if he loses his train of thought, he may come too soon. Or that his penis may fall off. So be it.

I remember having sex with a boy who was not one for small talk during sex – indeed, his facial expression would go from sweet and adorable to a cross between Winston Churchill and Richard Nixon working on a Sudoku puzzle. Being the Chatty Kathy that I am, I would pepper him with questions such as “Do you like when I’m on top? Doesn’t that feel good? What do think the Sox’s chances are this year?” until he grew so frustrated he would scream “Could you PLEASE keep it down while I’m trying to fuck you!!!” And that would get me excited: Yay, anger fuck time!

At any rate, you can be annoying like me or ask him to turn up the volume, but then you run the risk of making him feel that much more pressured and uncomfortable. Or worse, now his sex talk sounds like Mitt Romney at a campaign rally. Here’s a suggestion: the next time you’re doing it, put on some porn. Preferably one in which the dude has a speaking part. That way, your mute muffin can have a nice voice-over, and maybe he’ll even pick up a few pointers along the way.

Best of luck my dear! And as long as you are making a joyful noise, I don’t really see what the problem is.

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