Tits and Ask: Things You Should Never Say to Your Girlfriend

Not going to happen, unfortunately.

Not going to happen, unfortunately.

Dear Ken and Ariel: I made an off-hand comment about one of my girlfriend’s best friends being someone I wouldn’t mind fucking. Now she’s pissed and refuses to let me hang whenever the friend in question is around. Is she over-reacting?

KEN SAYS: Dude, do you not understand the diff between the things you say out loud and the things you say only in your head?

If not, here’s a quick refresher: “make mine a double,” “of course I’m hip to the top sportsbook reviews” and “nice yoga pants” are all perfectly acceptable things to say aloud. On the other hand, “I’m finally starting to understand the appeal of this Michael Buble guy,” “Can you direct me to the nearest Al Qaeda-friendly tavern” and “I’d like to suck your best friend’s pussy until she digs her fingers into my head with such fervor that she actually penetrates my skull” are the things you keep to yourself.

Seriously, man. It’s okay to think such things. Hell, my mind is the place where the best–and, sadly, most–of my fucking gets done. But once it’s out there, it’s out there. And you put it out there.

Turn the situation around. If you were sitting down to dinner with your girl and she casually mentioned that she wouldn’t mind discovering how your best bud’s cock might taste, how would you react? Would you feel all that comfy next time the three of you were together? No? Then welcome to her world.

But you can’t put the toothpaste back in the tube, so the only option left is damage control. Make sure your girlfriend knows that your comment, while ham-handed and pretty fucking stupid, was just a fleeting thought, and that she’s the only one you’re interested in banging. Sadly, a threesome seems out of the question right now.

ARIEL SAYS: Look, I understand when things get dull there’s nothing like a good ol’ round of Fuck, Marry, Kill to get the blood pumping. But usually it’s the celebrity version, those heavenly stars in a distant galaxy that you’ll never have a chance in holy hell of meeting, much less convincing them to take their clothes off while you’re in the vicinity. But you, YOU, gosh darn it, had to go there. The best friend? Seriously? I mean, couldn’t you have picked…I don’t know, your third grade teacher, who was preeminently fuckable back in the day but now you’d more likely be buying her Depends?

You ask, is she over-reacting? Which I translate as, “WTF? NBD.” To which I reply, yes, yes it IS ABD. Because now she’s upset, and paranoid, and believes that the mere mention of her best friend will somehow cause instantaneous combustion of your khakis due to super-boneritis. She thinks that every time you have sex, you will be imagining the best friend, and not her, dangling from the trapeze you’ve conveniently installed above your bed. And because the best friend plays softball, maybe she’d be more into an all-girl menage a trois than her, etc etc etc.

So, how to fix? A couple of ways: You level the playing field, offering up a bevy of your mates that could also be considered for screwing activity. No problem, you say, because all your friends look like Sweetums. OK, well then here’s plan B: you tell her that you wouldn’t mind fucking anyone, anywhere, anytime – the best friend was just one of many, many, MANY people that you’d play hide the salami with. BUT! You chose her. And that’s the only one you want to be with: her, her, her.

If she tells you to fuck off, then give the best friend a call. Hey, you tried, bro.

Need bad sex advice? Hit us up.

3 Comments

  1. Katia

    April 22, 2013 at 1:46 pm

    Polly-wolly-froggy get mighty bashed!

    • Ariel

      April 22, 2013 at 11:40 pm

      HAHAHA I love that you got (and enjoyed) that ancient cultural reference!!!

      • Katia

        April 23, 2013 at 3:41 pm

        I am DYING for that to come onto DVD … my mom would die of the happy if I could find her a copy.

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