Tits and Ask: To Spank or Not to Spank

spankr

Dear Ken and Ariel: My girlfriend is always asking me to spank her. I gotta be honest, it’s not my thing, but I do it to humor her. Lately she’s been asking me to slap her harder and harder. It’s a buzzkill for me since I’m always afraid of hurting her and I want to try talking it out. How do I break it to her without seeming like a douche?

KEN SAYS: Look, I’d just as soon bury my face in my woman’s ass than smack it black and blue with a paddle, but there comes a time in every relationship when you gotta do something you may not be 100 percent into because–here’s the thing–it makes your partner happy. Christ, she could be asking you to file down her Aunt Beth’s toenails or paint her grandma’s condo or help stuff turkeys for the homeless. But no, all she’s doing is looking to you for a little manhandling.

Sure, you’re worried you might hurt her. And that’s a legit and honorable concern. But it sounds like it’s already occurred to your girlfriend and the possibility isn’t holding her back. On the contrary, she seems pretty fucking eager to make like her ass is Normandy and your hands are the troops. In the face of such gusto, “talking it out” sounds about as sexy as grandpa warning her that if she keeps fooling around with that toy rifle, she’ll shoot her eye out. And trust me: the last thing she wants to be thinking of when she’s lifting her ass in the air for you is her grandfather. At least I hope.

Not up to the job? That’s okay. But you need to tell her, and soon, before she comes home from work some night with a pair of nunchucks asking you to play Vagina Ninja. But heed this warning: there are plenty of guys out there — one of them named me — who’d be more than happy to keep her ass entertained. Literally. Right now, you’ve got a girl with a freaky mind who wants to explore some wilder shit with you. A lot of dudes would like to be in your shoes.

Give her credit, though, for trying to keep things exciting. Why sit around the apartment reading the newspaper when you could be thwacking her ass with it?

ARIEL SAYS: My dear, inasmuch as corporeal punishment is in flagrante delicto, your naughty school girl simply wants to be punished. And how.

From your letter, it sounds as if she’s moving away from the usual slap and tickle and toward whips and chains. Not that there’s anything wrong with that. But instead of grimacing and attending to your lover’s sexual appetite with the same gusto as cleaning out the garbage disposal, it may be time to sit down pre-spank and have a little chat.

Scary, I know. But it doesn’t have to be. Even a simple pillow talk topic of “Touching 101: light caress or leave a mark?” or “Spanking: basic role playing or the gateway to lock-down?” will help you get an idea of where she’s at. Sexual compatibility is a good thing to iron out, say, before a walk down the aisle or shopping for baby carriages (for your kid, of course, not her.)

At any rate, you’re not doing her or yourself any favors by playing the silent but miserable Dom.

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