Tits And Ask: When To Sleep With the New Guy

You know the guy is always thinkin’ ’bout it.

Dear K & A: Here’s a question that I sometimes struggle to explain logically. When is a good time to sleep with the new guy?

KEN SAYS: Your question is a stark reminder of the difference between the sexes. Because I don’t think, in the history of mankind, there has ever been a guy who has posed the question, “How long should I wait until asking my girlfriend to use my face as her personal barcalounger?” We’re ready to go 24/7, whether we’ve been dating you for weeks or just met you in line at the post office, and we rarely let things like “feelings” or “concern that we might not be able to last more than 25 seconds” get in our way.

So my answer depends largely on what you’re looking for. If it’s a one-night thing, well, that kinda answers itself. If it’s a relationship, you can either go ahead and do that bizarre thing where you make a guy wait for weeks or months on end (commonly referred to as “getting to know someone” — fucking nuts, right?) or just get right down to business. In defense of the latter, if you get to that stage quickly and don’t hear church bells and singing birds and the Polyphonic Spree’s “Reach For The Sun” the minute you start getting down to business, at least you can cease wasting your time and move on to the next potential big thing. Because if I don’t hear the Polyphonic Spree when I’m banging, lady, it just ain’t worth it.

Oh and if you’re hesitant to ask him because you’re afraid he might say “no,” don’t worry. He won’t. Unless you’re dating Nathan Lane.

ARIEL SAYS: When is it a good time to sleep with a guy? I’d say Miller time, party time, nap time, breakfast time, lunch time, laundry time, time for your next dental cleaning…you get my gist. Now, if you’re looking for a relationship, that can be a different story. And I am certainly no expert on that. Many experts do, however, shout from the rooftops about the proper waiting/”gestational” period of the no-pants-off-dance-off before consummating a relationship, anywhere ranging from three dates to 3 months. But to them I say, “Hah! I know several relationships and MARRIAGES that began once upon a drunken, one-night stand!” and then they say “Hah!” back, and yell, “How’s that stable, long-term relationship working for you, Ariel? Oh yeah, I forgot, you’re single!” And then I yell, “by CHOICE, bitches!” And so on. But I don’t believe there is any magic formula as to how to get a guy. If there was, that Stanger chick would totes be rolling in dick.

The other thing is, what if you waited and waited and waited and the sex was really bad? What a colossal waste of time. Thank God the pre-marital sex thing is so last century; can you imagine, on your wedding night, you realize you have been doomed to a life of indentured servitude to a two-pump chump? (And don’t give me that, “you can feel the package first” crapola – size of the wave does NOT determine the motion of said ocean.)

OK so back to your question: it really comes down to what YOU want. Instead of looking at the egg, we have to look at the chicken. Do you see yourself, long-term, with this guy? You might not know the answer to that yet, because getting to know someone and knowing if you’re truly compatible takes some time. If you’re just looking for great sex (Sweet Jesus, aren’t we all), do you think you can be truly comfortable and really uninhibited to fully enjoy the experience? Again, that could be a question of time. For some, it may just mean two Alabama slammers and an empty bathroom stall. For others, it may be a sloooow build up to that bed strewn with rose petals and shit like they do on Lifetime. You gotta figure out where your head is at and be honest about what you truly want. Ask the questions you need answers to, first (preferably sober and clothed. In a church pew.) LISTEN TO WHAT HE SAYS. Compare it with your own relationship cliff notes. Know thyself first, trust your gut and go from there.

2 Comments

  1. Beausaphine

    August 31, 2012 at 9:32 am

    Sex is just a super fun part of an interviewing process. You need to know if that shit is acceptable ASAP. It’s like hiring someone to work at a kindergarten and not getting a police check “cause you want to get to know them”.
    That shit will end in heartbreak and dope smoking children EVERY TIME.

    I’ve gone off topic.

    fuck.

  2. L.A.

    August 31, 2012 at 10:07 am

    I’m in agreement with B. Remember, sex is part of a relationship. Which means if it sucks and you’re in the relationship, YOU ARE STUCK WITH IT. I’m capitalizing because I’m yelling. NO ONE WANTS TO BE STUCK WITH BAD SEX.

    Also, remember in Sex and the City. Charlotte was waiting til after she got married to bang the kilt guy. BUT IT WAS BAD SEX. She was marrying bad sex. Don’t let this happen to you.

    PSA, over.

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