Tits and Ask: When Your Man Tells You What (Not) To Wear

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I’m a short, curvy girl with a great figure for my size. I tend to favor tight clothing because, being so vertically challenged, loose clothing fits me like a potato sack. Some of my past boyfriends didn’t like my outfits, and would always ask me to cover up. But my current boyfriend wants me to flaunt it even more. In fact, last weekend before we went out, he asked me to change because my outfit, to quote him, “wasn’t slutty enough.” Is he overstepping his bounds? Please let me know because I’m starting to rethink my fashion sense.

KEN SAYS: “Wasn’t slutty enough”? With all due respect, that’s kind of a pink-shirt-wearin’, collar poppin’, think-I’ll-put-a-spoiler-on-my-Ford-Focus thing to say.

In other words, and I hate to be the one to break it to you, it sounds like you’re dating a royal fucking douchebag.

Let’s look at the facts: he knows you’ve got a great ass, but he’s upset that you’re not letting enough ordinary twerps like me know you’ve got a great ass. That’s a douchebag mentality. It’s also adding unnecessary burden to my life, as I see enough supreme tail throughout the course of a day that I know I’ll never get to bury my face in without needing yours to add to my misery.

Look, I know how guys are. We’re genetically programmed to try to one-up each other. As kids, we want to have the coolest bike, the most Transformers, and the sweetest video game set up. As teenagers, we want the fastest car, the most expensive clothes and the most effective fake ID. In college, I once had to drag two roommates apart after an argument over who could eat the most hot wings.

But then we segue into adulthood and most of us realize life is full of enough bullshit without trying to outdo everyone else.

Most of us, anyway. There’s always gonna be That Guy who never quite grew up, who feels that a night on the town with his woman is a chance to parade what he’s got in front of the masses. But instead of waving around his still-in-the-box Optimus Prime to make everyone wish they were him, he’s essentially using your ass. That Guy can frequently be found dry humping his ladyfriend against a wall on Lansdowne street at closing time, one eye carefully scanning the crowd to make sure everyone knows that he’s making out with this Extremely! Hot! Chick!

Sadly, your boyfriend is That Guy. And while being told what to wear may fly in Communist China, around these parts, we’ve got a little thing called freedom. I suggest you crack a Pabst, raise your fist and embrace it. And tell him to pound sand next time he orders you to slut it up.

On the other hand, if you continue to willingly partake in such bullshit, it makes you nothing more than a still-in-the-box Optimus Prime. But with a sweeter ass, of course.

ARIEL SAYS: First of all, kudos to you for having a healthy, positive body image. Very refreshing and much needed in a culture obsessed, for some insane reason, with the look and shape of a small child. And, for another insane reason, curves are considered dangerous. Any flaunting of the God-given gifts and everyone from Catholic school nuns to Republican senators are screaming for your head. Which leads me to believe, perhaps they know something we don’t; our T & A may actually be weapons of mass destruction. So I say, let’s blow some shit up.

I like the fact that your man supports living on the edge. But here’s the thing: you got to do what feels good to you, no matter what. For example, you like this outfit because it shows off the goods. He wants you to wear another outfit because it squeezes, pushes up and almost asphyxiates the goods. You would need to be equipped with an oxygen mask and two attendants to use the bathroom in order to wear his outfit of choice. See the difference?

Your comfort and your own style must be paramount because you have to wear the damn thing. Therefore, I’d say he’s welcome to make suggestions, and you’re welcome to take them into consideration. And that’s as far as it goes.

Good luck, my dear. And may the curves be with you. Always.

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