Tits and Ask: When Your Man’s Addicted to Eye Candy


DEAR KEN AND ARIEL: How do I get my boyfriend to stop looking at other women?

KEN SAYS: Get your boyfriend to stop looking at other women? Why don’t you try something a bit easier, like trying to get him to stop breathing or stop sprouting wings and flying off to Spain for the weekend?

Seriously, though, looking at other women is just something guys are hard-wired to do from birth. It’s almost involuntary, like blinking or disliking “Nickelback.” I don’t know why my head gets pulled toward every woman who walks past me in a short skirt or impossibly tight jeans, but I imagine it’s the same sort of gravitational bullshit that keeps the Earth moving around the sun. And who the fuck am I to question science?

So your man likes to check out other women. Does that mean he’s also mentally banging them in a dark alley, fingering them on a lonely subway car or going down on them for hours while they writhe on his freshly-pressed bed linens? Of course it does! We’re guys, for christ’s sake. But just as we don’t murder our annoying cubicle mate because we understand what goes on in prison, we don’t act on these impulses because, quite frankly, we are simple creatures, and truly only have the mental capacities to entertain, engage and intrigue one woman at a time. At least that’s true in my case.

If it truly bothers you, tell him. If he at least makes a conscious effort, you’ll know he’s a keeper. If not, feel free to keep busting his balls (or checking out every guy in your airspace to see how he likes it). But understand that genetics gets some of the blame.

Oh, and here’s something to ponder: If you’re sitting on his face, he can’t check out other women.

Ken out.

ARIEL SAYS: I could tread along the lines of, “women are from Tampax, men are from Uranus” and examine the biological differences of mating behavior like my man Ken. But I’m not a scientist or anthropologist, I’m a hack. Besides, I meet people every day who defy the stereotypes; men who stare at you intently whilst Pamela Anderson is doing naked jumping jacks nearby, and women whose roving eye is so rampant they get whiplash walking past a line to the men’s room.

The one consistency with this over-appreciation of the male/female physique? It’s never personal. It has nothing, repeat, nothing to do with you. Hey, he likes to look at women’s tits? Say you find yourself watching horrific reality shows on E!. It has nothing to do with his scintillating, intellectually stimulating conversation skills, does it – you just want to zone out and watch dipshits for an hour. See?

There are limits, however. If your man is causing women to seek restraining orders for being eye-fucked, or he’s cruising Uncle Hector’s funeral for potential grief-stricken tail, you got a problem. Sure you can tell him to stop, threaten violence, Lorraine-Bobbitt-style, but yes, it may indeed just be part of his hard-wiring. So get yourself some nice long-handled wire cutters and sever your connection.

1 Comment

  1. Suzyn

    June 22, 2012 at 2:44 pm

    “Grief stricken tail.” Genius.

Leave a Reply