TIts and Ask: Her Boyfriend’s Great in Bed. But Nowhere Else.

be good in bed_tips for women

How long can a relationship survive if the only thing that’s good about it is the sex? My boyfriend and I have killer sex–he’s the best I’ve ever had. Sadly, he’s also socially retarded and about as interesting outside the bedroom as a toothbrush. I’ve thought about breaking up but I can’t let that cock go. How long can this last? Can I marry the guy based on sex alone?

KEN SAYS:You’d be surprised how long sex can carry a relationship. I don’t think I even knew my last girlfriend’s name, but I do know that she could do a backward flip off my kitchen table and on to my johnson with the seamless grace of a Russian gymnast. In fact, she may have actually been Russian, judging from the look of the burly guys in trenchcoats who grabbed her one day while we were lunching on Newbury Street and threw her in the back of a van marked “immigration.”

Had we spent more time conversing instead of trying to figure out, for example, how long I could hold my breath while I went down on her in the pool, I might have gotten to know a little bit more about her homeland, her family and her long-expired visa. But the sex was so magnificent, I reasoned that every minute spent talking was a minute spent not screwing. And that just seemed like wasted time to me.

Now, with that being said, I’m not sure sex can carry a relationship all the way to the grave (unless you’re talking about some facesitting experiment gone awry, which I always recommend). In fact, I’d put marrying the guy based purely on sex in the “bad idea” file without hesitation. Because eventually you’ll grow old together and realize that there comes a time in every man’s life when maintaining an erection for more than 30 seconds requires pharmaceutical assistance, a lot of praying and about a three-hour warning. Which, sadly, also describes how I get after eating a turkey sandwich. When that happens, it’s good to have a few things in common besides an insatiable appetite for screwing.

Also, whenever I hear things like “the best I ever had,” I like to assume “so far” at the end. There’s a whole lot of cock out there, ma’am. Some of them connected to some fairly interesting people you haven’t even met yet. Settling for 50 percent could rob you of the chance of possibly meeting the guy who not only fucks you like a porn star but can speak intelligently on a wide range of topics beyond his favorite brand of cookie.

So enjoy it, but don’t ever feel obliged to put a ring on it. Or a cock ring on it. Or whatever the fuck you two are into.

ARIEL SAYS: Toothbrushes are great plaque removers, breath-fresheners and drool-inducers, as evidenced by your stated addiction to this phallic tool. Ain’t nothing wrong with that whatsoever. But I must ask, in this day and age, why must you be in a relationship with this guy?!? Have we suddenly traveled back in time to The Tudors, with bodice-ripping and hair-pulling aplenty but only behind the safety of castle walls, wedding bells and chastity belts?

Come on, my dear. Sex without commitment has become de rigueur in the 21st century, second only to Tweeting nude pics whilst running for office. My suggestion would be to gently explain that you enjoy your time together but would also like to see other people; perhaps people who can carry a conversation for longer than 30 seconds and are more interesting than dental hygiene. (Don’t tell him that last part, obviously.)

That way, you get to have your cock-cake and eat it too! (Just remember to brush afterwards.)

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