Tits and Ask: The Nose Knows

foot_to_face

My boyfriend has what I’d call a smell fetish. He’s always asking to smell my feet and if we’re 69ing, I can hear him smelling my butt. I used to just roll with it but it’s making very self-conscious. Not to mention that he’s also asked me for a pair of my underwear to keep at his place “to smell when I’m not around.” I’ve never been with anyone like this so I don’t know whether this is good or a gateway to weirder shit. Any thoughts?

KEN SAYS: I once dated a woman who got off on having old clothes piled on her face during sex. No, I’m not making that up. And while I originally thought it had something to do with not wanting to see my O face as I grunted and heaved and put every ounce of my meager strength into satisfying her, it turned out that she liked it because it conjured images of some awesome sex she used to have as a college girl in her ex-boyfriend’s attic apartment. After a while, I got used to it, and was even able to stealthily slip the newspaper over the pile of clothes on her face so that I could catch up on the news whilst fucking. That’s a win-win, folks.

As for your specific concern, I think it’s mostly harmless. And as a guy who has spent the better part of his life trying to sell women on the benefits of sitting on my face — with varying degrees of success — it’s difficult for me to see the bad in this.

You see, in my line of work (that work being “having my face sat on”), it’s a given that my nose, at some point in the proceedings, is going up a woman’s asshole. And, yes, I’m going to be breathing in pretty much everything she has to offer on that particular day. But to me, that’s part of the job, and part of what makes it so awesome. Everyone has their something, and to some guys, using all five senses to enjoy their partners is the way to go. That’s a much better situation than, say, a guy who refuses to go down on you unless you’ve taken three showers and he’s wearing a government-issue gas mask.

As for the spare pair of your undies? That’s a little odd, but nothing to be concerned about, unless he starts pilfering your more expensive pairs. Or until you walk in to find him snuggling a mannequin that’s wearing your thong.

ARIEL SAYS: You know, they say (“they” being “people smarter than me”) that olfaction (sense of smell) is one of the strongest senses when it comes to emotion, memory and sussing out fresh, edible food from the ew-ew-ew-ew, throw-it-away, throw-it-AWAY!!!crap. Our canine friends have a bazillion more olfactory receptors (think Bloodhounds and Triumph the Insult Dog) that are generally used to track, forage and mate–which leads me to ask, ever so delicately, does your boyfriend on occasion sit, roll over, or play dead?

Look, it’s nice that you never have to worry about that issue that women in Summer’s Eve commercials discuss with their girlfriends while walking on the beach. No need to be OCD with your daily ablution, cuz your man prefers your funk, yo. But the extent to which he “actively” prefers it… yeah, that would freak me out too.

So, what to do? Swat his nose with a newspaper? Hand him a weekly goodie-bag of recently-used undergarments? His scratch-n-sniff obsession isn’t likely to go away anytime soon. Sure, you could have a talk with him, but then you’ve just shamed him into doing it in private. Next thing you know he’ll be mugging old ladies at the local Coin-Op for their dirty skivvies. Can you deal with his nose up your butt (literally) at all times? That is up to you to decide. Just remember, as time goes on what may have been somewhat weird, kinda endearing qualities in your mate (awww, he laughs like a little ferret! How cute!) can turn into major turn offs later on in the relationship (HOLY FUCKING CHRIST IF YOU LAUGH LIKE A RABID HYENA ONE MORE TIME YOU WILL LOSE AN APPENDAGE. TAKE YOUR PICK, MOTHERFUCKER.)

Something to remember with your lil’ Scooby-Doo.

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