Tits and Ask: How to Tell When You’re the Side Piece

hiding_ring

I work in mining and am often away from home for so long, and usually have to leave on such short notice, that it’s hard to meet guys outside of work. A few years back, I became smitten with a colleague I met at a convention. He lives far away but we became friends, hanging out together whenever he’s in town. This year we actually hooked up, one day before he left. I didn’t hear anything from him afterward and took the ensuing silence as an indication that he wasn’t interested in anything further. Three months later though, out of the blue, he called to say he wanted to see me during his upcoming business trip. He ended up staying at my place for a week, we spent every minute together and it was freakin’ fantastic. He then left me with a kiss and a promise to call, which he hasn’t. Nor has he returned any of my calls. I don’t want to jump to conclusions given that he’s busy running a business and is also a luddite (he’s technologically incompetent, so no emails). What do you think? Is he experiencing memory loss? Is he a big fat liar? Or is he just an thoughtless jerk who loses track of time?

KEN SAYS: I don’t want to be a Debbie Downer, but I get the impression that the only memory loss this guy’s experiencing is forgetting that he has a wife and/or girlfriend back home whilst doing a little extracurricular mining of his own. In your vagina.

I don’t mean to sound harsh. But you’re providing the perfect “side dish” scenario. You live far away, you work in the same industry which means you’re likely to be at the same conventions, and you apparently believe him when he says he can only be reached at one phone number that could either be his cell or an office phone with the ringer shut off.

I’m just looking at the facts as you’ve presented them: your buddy shows up every so often to lay some pipe and make nice, then he disappears without any sort of contact. That’s booty call 101.

Of course, I could be wrong. Maybe the guy really does fear technology and drops to the floor in a fetal position whenever someone turns on one of them “iPads.” Maybe he spends his nights pushing heartfelt letters into bottles and hurtling them into the ocean, hoping they’ll wash ashore just as you’re ambling by.

Or maybe he’s just a guy who really likes sleeping with you whenever he’s in town.

If you want to get to the bottom of it, here’s what you do: The next time he calls to tell you he’s flying in and wants to spend some quality time under your ass, tell him you have a few questions first. Like what, if anything, is going on between the two of you. And why he’s incommunicado most of the time. If possible, ask these questions before letting him under said ass.

If subtlety’s more your thing, the next time you’re making pillow talk, tell him that you were watching “Up in the Air” the other day, and loved the scene where George Clooney shows up at Vera Farmiga’s house, unaware that she’s been married with kids during their entire affair. If he starts coughing or itching uncontrollably or excuses himself to jump out the window, it’s a safe bet he’s hiding something.

sidepiece

ARIEL SAYS: Luddites may be technologically challenged, but in order to make it in today’s world, you need email, and at the very least a smart phone (hell, even those good old flip phones have texting!). So, unfortunately, I think your Luddite has a Lud-ette, either wife or live-in girlfriend, and he can’t have any evidence (like email or phone calls) of YOU, his extracurricular activity.

There’s no question he really enjoys your company, is attracted to you, thinks you’re fun and awesome, but wants to confine you to a business trip or a one-nighter after too many drinks at the convention hotel bar. And sugar, you are so much more than early check-in and free continental breakfast.

Look, we’ve all been there. I fell hard for an amateur boxer, so much so that I thought it was perfectly normal that he didn’t have a cell phone, lived with his mother and couldn’t have me come over or call the house because his mother had a slight form of mental illness and didn’t like loud noises… like a phone ringing. Yes, you read that right. And I liked him soooo much I swallowed that unbelievably creative bullshit in one bite.

It wasn’t until my girlfriends shook me so hard my teeth rattled and my brain banged against my skull that I finally heard them when they said, “HE’S GOT A WIFE, YOU DOPE.” Sigh. Love is rough, yo. And we so want to believe in it, even when the lack thereof is staring us in the face.

To conclude, huzzah and kudos for being in the rough-and-tumble field of mining. Not to mix too much business with pleasure, but I would think this mostly-male dominated field would be rife with gold diggers (heh heh) looking for a 24-carat stunner like yourself. Ditch the luddite and upgrade to a platinum hottie who knows how to use a damn smart phone.

Leave a Reply