Tits ‘n’ Ask: Dating the Crying Guy

derberker

Dear Ken & Ariel: My boyfriend’s a crier. Sad movies, sunsets, babies… everything seems to set him off. I love his sensitive side but some other things have worn on me, especially his penchant for crying after lovemaking. Any way I can tell him to snap out of it without feeling awful or causing a scene… or more tears?

KEN SAYS: I’ve been known to drop a tear or two at a most inopportune time. So I can’t bust your guy’s balls for that. Men are wound up so tight trying to keep our emotions in check that occasionally the fabric rips and we end up losing our shit during an episode of Full House. Or when the supermarket’s out of pork sausage. Or when we have that dream of a friendly metal bird who needs our help. Hell, my Uncle Bruno had to be committed after suffering a full emotional collapse when he learned they stopped making root beer flavored Life Savers.

I wouldn’t knock your man for wearing his feelings on his sleeve. But the crying after sex–that’s kind of a red flag to me. My first question would be, is he somehow in pain? Are you unknowingly sitting on his balls (in a not-so-good way)? Is he one of those guys who, thanks to a few too many Taiwanese hookers, experiences severe burning in every fiber of his body each time he ejaculates (not that I know first hand)? Do you charge him 75 bucks a blowjob? These are the sort of things that make a guy misty.

If not, it could mean that he’s made such a bizarre psychological connection with you that every time he feels a rush of emotions (such as, let’s say, right after sex), he is reduced to a child-like state of literally crying for his mother. Or, maybe he just really, really likes fucking.

Hell, that last one sounds a lot less creepy. Let’s just go with that. Either way, I’d ask him to knock that shit off.

ARIEL SAYS: I love the softer side of Sears and the softer side of a 5 o’clock shadow… but crying after lovemaking? That’s a red flag. What kind of crying, exactly? Tears of joy? Tears of horror and impotent rage? I think gender roles may have little to do with this crying jag; if I burst into tears every time after having sex, my guy would be putting my shrink on speed dial.

Now, don’t get me wrong, I love a good cry. The shitty breakup, the veteran coming home to surprise his wife/kid/dog (I totally lose my shit on those vids), or when the Pats lost the Superbowl to the Giants. AGAIN. AGAIN!!!!! Are you FUCKING kidding me. At least the Giants aren’t in it this year so we don’t have the added humiliation of it possibly happening a third time. I mean, I had to call in sick to work last year, for Pete’s sake. I–wait, sorry. Ahem. Back to your question.

I remember once when I completely lost it after a particularly intense bout of wall-shaking, sheet-soiling baby-makin’. It went on for so long and was so consuming that my legs went numb, I had convulsions (I’m not making this up) and it was such a shuddering release (or maybe major organ failure) that I just sobbed like a baby. I wasn’t sad, I wasn’t in pain, just–shot through. That’s the only way I know how to describe it. If your man is indeed having this type of emotional release, I say well done ma’am. And by all means, carry on. But if it’s just business time and he’s using up your Kleenex and toilet paper supply, you need to get to the bottom of it. Instead of saying, “walk it off, pussy!” try a little tenderness. And check his health insurance for mental health coverage.

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