Tits ‘n’ Ask: How Not to Make the First Move

partypartymarty

Nothing cooler than seeing the shy ones slowly emerge from their shells.

Dear K&A: I’m a college undergrad and I’ve never really been one to put a lot of work into hook ups or anything. Either they make the first move or I just drunkenly tell them exactly what I’d like to do, which always seems to work. But now I want to get with a guy I know who, while very nice and good looking, isn’t very confident and probably wouldn’t make the first move. I’d like to do something to kick him in the rear, but I’m afraid my usual drunken technique of bluntly saying, “let’s go” would scare him off. Any suggestions? Subtlety isn’t really my forte.

KEN SAYS: First things first, where were you when I was in college? Because most of the girls I hoped to interface with back then simply lined the bar, wearing hipper-than-thou faces and avoiding me and my droogies like we were radioactive waste. Sure, none of us were wearing pants, but that’s beside the point. We could have used an aggressive, first-move woman like yourself to grab us by the scruff of our necks, point to her crotch and say, “I’ve got a job for your mouth and tongue, and the only thing I might pay you in is oxygen.”

But I digress. So, you’re used to making the first move, but afraid you’ll scare this guy off? With all due respect, are you nuts? Assuming this guy is of a similar age to you (and not one of those 60 year old grad students who wants to chat you up about the new Vampire Weekend CD while fumbling with a choloroform-soaked rag), then he probably thinks about fucking 23 hours a day, with the remaining hour dedicated to figuring out math problems, why Ke$ha is famous, and what to eat when he’s done fucking.

I would embrace that lack of subtlety and just bum-rush the guy. If he’s in, he’s in. If not, at least you’ve spared yourself a couple of semesters of trying to coax Rain Man out of his shell. That’s valuable time that could be spent doing better things.

Oh, and by “better things” I mean fucking. Or helping entomologists classify new and exotic breeds of butterflies. That’s some honorable work right there.

ARIEL SAYS: Your magic carpet ride sounds heavenly, and I’m 99.9999% sure you’ve been the answer to one of the three wishes that boys ask for when they rub the genie’s lamp. (The other two being that “she says ‘Oh hell, yeah!’ when I make the first move,” and “an invention that allows me to pee whilst driving.”)

So now you’ve got a little challenge on your hands. He’s the perfect Pygmalion, ripe for plucking, primping and pimping. Where’s that entrepreneurial spirit, darling?!? All of a sudden, you’re the shy one, scared that you’ll scare him. And round and round we go.

Your magic formula has worked thus far. Why stop now? Why deny who you are, or worse, suppress it because you fear he’ll run away? Acting’s for theater geeks and Anne Hathaway. Embrace your true calling, your “viva la booty” mantra and offer him the sweetest ride of his lifetime. Chances are, he’s been wondering what’s been taking you so damn long.

Got a question? Need bad advice? Hit us up, Padre.