Tits ‘n’ Ask: Is “Size” a Deal-breaker?

Dear Ken and Ariel: Is it wrong to dump a guy for being small? I have recently gotten myself into a relationship, which I’m absolutely down for. However I usually “test drive” a guy before anything goes anywhere. Unfortunately for me I said yes to being a gf before sleeping with this guy. And the sex was… well, I wouldn’t even call it “sex” it was that bad. But I was willing to give him another go, and his dick just didn’t do anything for me. Everything else so far has been great and this is a huge disappointment for me as I LOVE sex. Suggestions?

KEN SAYS: Sure, it’s always the guy who’s too small. It’s never the woman who’s too deep or the bed that’s too angled or the house that’s been constructed so poorly that its steep inclines and shoddy foundation screw up a woman’s balance to the point that things that are actually quite massive seem tiny (don’t laugh; I’ve used that last one to great success at times.)

That said, as a gentleman of Irish descent, your words hit home. Because, in addition to being the constant butt of jokes about drunkenness, the Irish must also contend with a bizarre rumor — no doubt started by the Scots — that we, as a nationality, tend to be not-so-well-hung.

This is absolute rubbish, as anyone who knows my friend Billy “The Guy With the Oak-Tree-Sized Penis” O’Sullivan will tell you. But it made me so self-conscious that I spent endless hours fine-tuning my cunnilingus skills so that I might be able to dazzle women with my tongue to the point that they almost forget that we were supposed to start fucking at some point.

Of course, bad sex is bad sex. And I can sympathize with your dilemma. All I can suggest is that you give it a few more tries — from a few new angles — and see what happens. If things don’t improve, then move on. But for christ’s sake, don’t tell the guy why. Trust me, he’d rather hear that you’re afraid you may have contracted a bizarre and highly communicable disease while touring Africa than that he’s got a tiny pecker.

ARIEL SAYS: Breaking up with someone because the mighty oak is more like a #2 pencil is not unheard of. Relationships have crashed and burned for far less grievous crimes, like having smelly feet or insisting on watching reruns of “Three’s Company” while making love. (Hey, can you blame a gal for crushing on Jack Tripper?)

I must say I am surprised, not to mention impressed, with your refraining from intercourse until he gave you his class ring and you were officially going steady. As you know from reading this column, I refrain from intercourse until at least the third drink. The second if it’s a Kamikaze shot. My next question is already answered, which would have been, “How important is the sex to you?” You answer was practically shouted from the rooftops: “I LOVE sex”! You yelled it so loud your Aunt Marcie just slapped your high school photo. Shame on you.

Girl, I hate to break it to you, but this is broken. He’s got all the wonderful, amazing qualities, but it’s not enough for you. And you’ll try to be the good girl and try to do the right thing but some fuckin’ HUNK is gonna crawl out from one of the sewers or some 7-Eleven beer aisle and he’s going to have the education of a seven year old and the maturity of a squirrel but he’s going to have this incredible SCHLONG and you are going to start humping it with impunity. Because you ain’t getting it at home. And then you’ll feel awful and you’ll wear that Scarlet Letter but you will still be hitting that shit. Because you can’t help yourself.

So save yourself all that trouble of acting like Hester Prynne and just call the whole thing off. Some people just aren’t compatible. Let this guy off the hook (who must be getting frustrated himself), let yourself off the hook and move on. I promise, there’s a man out there who’s got the entire package just waiting for you, BIG-dick-in-a-box included.

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