Tits ‘n’ Ask: “Looks Mean Nothing to Me” and Other Lies You Might Have Heard


DEAR KEN & ARIEL: Why is it that most women love to date guys who are wrong for them? I know lots of pretty, wonderful women who go for the “pretty boy jock” type who are simply the most miserable creatures on earth. These guys treat the girls like dirt, yet the girls keep coming back, time after time, and there are lines out the door of new candidates for whenever the mood arises. Sorry to sound bitter, but it just seems that although that old adage “looks aren’t everything” gets tossed around a lot, looks are, in fact, everything. Beautiful people rule the world, and don’t have to play by the same rules that apply to not-so-beautiful folks.

KEN SAYS: In the movies, the good looking, well-chiseled dude with glistening biceps and bad intentions always gets passed over for the bookish nerd with taped-together glasses and a sweet smile. That’s because by the end of the flick, the heroine has realized that it’s what’s inside that counts. But in real life, this is witnessed only less frequently than Haley’s Comet.

In practically every walk of life, it’s the big, bad dude with boatloads of ‘tude (who likely owns one of those trucks with the fake balls under the rear bumper) who ends up walking away with the supermodel on his arm, leaving the rest of us scrambling in their dust. Why this mad dash for lotharios? Basically, it’s just the residue of that high school mentality that most of us drag like wet sacks of sand into our twenties and thirties: every chick wants to boff the captain of the football team. Conversely, the line to suck off the chemistry club chairman is considerably less impressive.

The standing rap is that guys don’t give a flying handshake about a woman’s personality, character or political affiliation. They only care about three things: Is she cute, does she look good in a short skirt, and will she let me squeeze her boobs on the first date. Women, on the other hand, are rumored to be the more complex sorts, concerned with a man’s personality, not necessarily his outward appearance.

This is, of course, utter crap; cheerleaders swoon for studly athletes, curvaceous secretaries get the vapors for square-jawed power brokers, and fine-assed housewives perfect their giggle for beefy repairmen. And if you had that many chicks throwing themselves at you… well, chances are you could afford to be a dick, too.

Strangely, most guys are shocked when they see women acting–with all due respect–just like men. Think about it: How many of us guys have been played and discarded by gorgeous women, only to wander back like sick puppies, looking for a leg to dry hump and begging for further punishment? But when women check their pride in a similar fashion, we’re dumbstruck. “How can she do that?” we ask ourselves. “He treats her like dirt, but she keeps running back.”

Truth be told, it’s a crazy world, and there’s absolutely no accounting for taste. But take heed of this one fact: Being beautiful will almost always guarantee you the attention of at least one hottie in any crowd. Being a “nice person” will only guarantee you the attention of that hottie when she wants a sympathetic ear to discuss her guy problems. Sadly, the latter is the only thing any of us–male or female–have any control over. So suck it up, put your best, baddest self forward, and to heck with any chick who doesn’t find you as bangable as Ryan Gosling.

And take heart–there are those rare instances in which short, balding, soft-bellied toads are seen cavorting with statuesque beauties, smiling closely in intimate corners of restaurants, eliciting a whispered, “How did those two end up together?” from everyone around them. Most often, these men are billionaires, foreign dignitaries, or johns.

ARIEL SAYS: You bring up a number of salient points, but let’s take a stroll through a woman’s psyche, shall we?

If I am a fantastic, beautiful woman and I am dating a pretty boy who treats me like 5-day old kitty litter, the chances are very good that I do not have a very high opinion of myself: I’m fat, I’m ugly, my boobs resemble coin-filled socks, etc. The reason I allow myself to be mistreated by weenie-dick boy is because I am utterly convinced that I can’t do any better, and I should be thankful that he even gives me the time of day. 

Why there seems to be so darned many of these women obsessed with self-flagellation and asshole boyfriends is due in part to the fashion industry and other asinine cultural pressures that insist women must be physically perfect in order to be loved. For further details, read Naomi Wolf’s The Beauty Myth.


Now to the second part of your question. Beautiful people technically do not rule the world. I cite as examples most of our former Presidents (except JFK… oh, and Grover Cleveland) and Warren Buffet. Yeah, I know, these are famous dudes and famous dudes always get laid. But, my lovely duckling, there are ways to get laid that don’t involve owning a multi-billion dollar conglomerate. Let me show you what’s behind the curtain.


First, ya gotta have confidence. Sounds simple, but it’s a bitch to catch when you’re convinced that you’ve been whacked by the ugly stick since age 5. This is when you have to scrape yourself off the mirror and really take a look at yourself. You are currently in the possession of something very special. Heaven knows what it could be, but I promise you, if you believe it with all your gosh-darn might, I will believe you too.


Next, ya gotta have attitude. And I don’t mean stuck-up or arrogant. I mean when you walk into a room knowing full well who you are. Trust me, chicks will turn to each other and say, “Gee whiz! Cousin Ugly’s got something special goin’ on! Better check it out!”

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