Tits ‘n’ Ask: Spicing Up the Long-term Relationship

Nothing livens things up like… costumes.

Dear Ken & Ariel: I’ve been sleeping with the same woman for seven years. I love her dearly, but how can I keep things exciting in the bedroom?

Ken Says: That’s a question that humankind has been trying to answer for centuries, buddy. And I don’t think I’m gonna provide any major revelations in a couple paragraphs. But I will say this: When it comes to keeping sex exciting as the years crawl on, the most frequently employed solutions include “experimentation,” “heavy drinking,” “sex on a roller coaster and/or abandoned yacht” and, finally, “fucking other people.”

That last one, though highly recommended, can certainly get you into trouble, so let’s just leave it alone. How about experimentation? Is the sex you’re having the plain old vanilla cone with no sprinkles and sometimes not even a cone type of sex? Then there’s certainly some options for spicing it up, only a few of which involve a harness, two latex bodysuits and several butcher’s aprons.

How about roleplaying? “Hooker and john” is an always-popular choice. And trust me, no matter how long you’ve been banging the same body, nothing will make you look at things differently than paying for a handjob. Other options include “debutante and short-order cook,” “thief and congresswoman,” and “trucker lady and sensitive, recently-divorced owner of a small Seattle bookshop.”

My personal favorite is “robot and scientist” because ONCE YOU’VE HAD SEX WHILE WEARING A METAL SUIT, YOU WILL BECOME AWESOMENESS ITSELF. Unless, of course, you end up playing the scientist. In which case, I’d plan on not being able to sit down for about a month.

Ariel Says: Seven-year itch pronouncements aside, I’d say that this is a good problem to have. You both probably know each other better than you know yourselves;every freckle, every scar, every shart issued from that heavenly derriere… what, TMI?

But yes, things can get a little old. What was cute and funny in the beginning has now become grounds for a possible homicide. And you’re tired of a Law & Order: SVU marathon counting as your all-afternoon sex session. Time to mix things up a bit.

If you’re in LA, I’d suggest you join a polyamory meet-up, a glory-hole party launch in WeHo, or the usual Saturday Swingers Social in the Hollywood Hills. But perhaps your town isn’t so inclined towards public lewdness. And you’re not quite ready to be so famous around the water cooler for all the wrong reasons. Understandable. But please understand, in order to be “lively”, you must be prepared to turn convention on its head. No more missionary. No more wearing t-shirts to bed. No more a-shared-spoon-of-Ben & Jerry’s as foreplay. Go to your nearest Secret Desires and ask for suggestions. Buy a book. Watch a movie. Get educated. Get ready to experiment, hypothesize, do that trial and error shit (no, not Law & Order again, fool!)

Happy Hunting and here’s to the next seven years of illegal-in-several-states madness in the ol’ sack!

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