Tits ‘n’ Ask: “So, Who’s Paying for Dinner?”

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Dear Ken & Ariel: Here’s an age-old question: When a guy asks a woman out, who’s expected to pay? I went out with a guy last week (he asked me) and when the bill for dinner showed up, he asked me to fork over half. When I told him I didn’t have it, he gave me a nasty look, then got miffed later when I wouldn’t invite him in.

Ken Says: I’ll put this as simply as I possibly can: If you’re a guy and you’re holding out any hope that the female who you’ve asked out for the evening will place her hand anywhere even remotely close to your schlong, you’re paying.

That is not to say that she’s expected to touch your wretched penis just because you bought her a burger and some onion rings; I’m just saying that if you asked her out, and you don’t pay, it’s more likely that you’ll land a featured role in a Stallone cop buddy flick than one in her pants by the time the night’s over.

Also, call me old fashioned, but what kind of a guy asks a girl to pony up for dinner then complains that she won’t sit on his face? Assholes, that’s who. And some European students.

Ariel Says: I detect an ever-so-slight scent of au de resentment wafting gently between your lines. As in, “Are you kidding me, fucker? You asked ME out, so you pony up the cash when the check comes and don’t just sit there fiddling with your Save Darfur rubber bracelet and looking at me expectantly!”

Generally, I’d say the rule of thumb is, whoever suggests the date coughs up the dough. That means if you invite him to “The Ice Capades Presents: Moby Dick”, you pay. When you’re the one who gets asked out, it’s nice to at least attempt the gesture of reaching for your purse with a “can I contribute?” in dulcet tones. Paying the tip is also very charming. He’ll hopefully dismiss you with a gallant wave of his hand as he proudly rips open his Velcro SpongeBob wallet. If he doesn’t, take heed, my friend. And keep your jeans buttoned.

2 Comments

  1. Nick, mostly

    January 4, 2013 at 9:44 am

    Rule 1: Whoever asks should be prepared to pay.
    Corollary to Rule 1: The askee should offer to pay half, deferring to the asker.
    Rule 2: Don’t make the guy do all the asking. That’s an entitled bitch move. No face sitting for you.

    • Ken

      January 7, 2013 at 8:24 pm

      Your points are all valid. And good.

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