Tits ‘n’ Ask: The No-Fun Threesome

DEAR KEN & ARIEL: Why the hell does my boyfriend still reference his ex?! UGH! I mean I know they lived together for 3 years, and she cheated on him. I know the scoop. I feel like I know her, and yet I’ve never even met the girl! Dammit! What do I do about this elephantitus in the room?! Please help!

KEN SAYS: Let me tell you something about men. We can forget birthdays, anniversaries, our mother’s maiden names and where we parked the car last night. But there are two things we never forget: the score of last night’s game and that woman who did that thing to us that was just absolutely fucking awesome.

I try to approach each new Kennette that happens into my life as a new opportunity. A chance to right some of the past mistakes I’ve made, and perhaps take my ability to sustain an adult relationship to bold new heights. But then, about two months in, I’ll notice that the new Kennette doesn’t do that little twist of her wrist at the conclusion of a handjob that used to blow my mind. And the one before her didn’t make that deep, lusty purring sound when I set my tongue loose on her pussy quite like the one before her did. And the one before her didn’t grind her ass into my face with the same intensity of the one before her. And so on and so forth.

See, when you want to make an impression on a guy’s mind, you have to fuck it firmly into place. Not that you aren’t the most spectacularific lay the guy’s ever had. But if there are any last vestiges of past girlfriends haunting his mind, chances are it’s not the way they cooked a ham that’s keeping them there.

It wouldn’t hurt to bring it up. Tell him what you’re feeling and that it’s bothering you. He may just be unaware that he’s even doing it; again, guys aren’t the most sophisticated creatures, especially those with the last name “Wayans.” But if after you discuss it he keeps bringing it up — unconsciously or otherwise — it might be time for more drastic measures. Like power-fucking every last trace of her from his brain.

If you need a practice dummy, I’m here for you.

ARIEL SAYS: Oh dear. There’s nothing worse than being haunted by the ghost of pussies past. While you’re excitedly brainstorming sex positions that involve chocolate frosting, your man pulls an Eeyore and sighs, “my ex used to love Cupcake Wars…” Or worse, you’re making out to “Don’t Stop Believing” and he suddenly stops and goes, “you know, my ex kinda looked like Steve Perry.” It’s enough to make you wanna jump in the DeLorean and drive his ass back to 2011.

I could go into a whole pseudo-psycho-analysis as to why he keeps bringing her up, what unresolved issues he may have in regards to intimacy and commitment, low self-esteem, and possible attachment inadequacies he had with his birth mother during breast feeding or diaper-changing or whatnot, but I’m not a shrink and I’d just be pulling it all out of my ass, so I’ll spare you the bullshit. It’s not going to change the fact that she broke his heart and he’s clearly NOT OVER HER.

So. Let’s review our options. One is to say, “Listen, Buster (I’ve always wanted to call someone “Buster”), this is the worst Ménage à Trois I’ve ever had in my life, I’m sick of hearing about this stupid bitch who broke your heart and now is successfully gutting our relationship with a pickaxe and some dynamite, and I deserve someone who is going to give me his undivided attention and just be fucking thrilled and delighted to be with someone who’s not HER. Peace Out.” *SLAM*

The other option (and this is by far the most difficult) is to stick with it, be loving and supportive, present and available. In other words, be everything this girl wasn’t. I suspect you are amazing (just by the fact that you wrote to us) so it won’t be a stretch. But never fear – I’m not sending you in there without any ammo. You have exes, too. Now’s the time to pull them out of the closet, dust them off, and proudly display them. Every time he brings up his ex, you gracefully lob one back in return. For example. “My ex used to love American Idol.” You turn to him and say excitedly, “No shit?!? My ex auditioned for American Idol! But they had to reject him after Ryan Seacrest started hitting on him.” Or, “My ex made really good lasagna.” “Oh really? That’s so funny, my ex was an Italian race car driver – ever hear of Formula One?” And so on. It’s quite simple, really. If you’re going to have to deal with his ex at every turn, then so should he. It may hopefully have the same effect as lab rats that are zapped with electrical shock every time they reach for the wrong lever: ex bad, current babe good.

Good luck my dear, and here’s to bringing Marty McFly back to 2012!

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1 Comment

  1. Chappy Peaches

    May 4, 2012 at 6:40 pm

    Thank you! I will be sure to brush up on my fucking skills at once! Buck up bronco, this girl is gonna ride you into the sunset and back! Woo hoo! Giddy up partner!!

    XoXo,

    Cowgirl in the making

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