Tits ‘n’ Ask: When Boobs Go Viral


Dear Ken & Ariel: At what point in the online relationship is it okay to send racy pictures?

KEN SAYS: I think you’ve already answered your own question. I mean, “online relationship”? What the hell does that even mean? That you’ve developed a deep, meaningful connection with… blips on a screen? Because, let’s face it, the “six foot two, Clooney-esque banker with two yachts and a passion for cunnilingus” is very likely a 14 year old kid collecting as many boob shots as he can before his folks take away his laptop privileges.

That said, the proliferation of online dating sites indicates that there are shit-ton of boob shots being sent around the globe, so who am I to question success? All I know is that once you send or post something electronically, you never, never know where it’s going to end up. Hell, just last week I discovered that the vast number of racy video clips and crotch shots I’ve beamed to various paramours have somehow qualified me for a Chinese Emmy.

Getting back to your question, I guess if you keep it anonymous, hiding your face and any distinguishing characteristics (such as a mole or a tattoo of Ted Nugent and an eagle fighting Nazis), you could basically lead with that shit. Because nothing will help seal the deal with a potential love interest — be it online or IRL — like a photo of your thong-clad ass with the caption, “How’d you like to park your airplane in this hangar?” In fact, I think that’s how my grandparents met.

But if fear of exposing yourself to the world keeps you from embracing your inner exhibitionist, I can help you out. Just flip on the webcam, hit me up on Skype, and basically sit on your iPad for the next two hours. That should give me enough time to, er, assess your potential.

ARIEL SAYS: Well, sugar, it depends on the site. On Adult Friend Finder, you don’t send it, you post it as your profile pic. On Plenty of Felons, you put it in the album (or if you want to play nice, caption it “NSFW.”) For E-Harmony, don’t send your pics but be sure to exchange them the next time you meet in church.

I love racy pictures and their ilk because it levels the playing field; thanks to the interwebz, what was only seen on magazine racks, hidden behind black panels (or, at my local mini-mart, neatly stacked next to the Hostess cupcakes) is now widely available. Anyone can be a pin-up girl. Or, at the very least, a possible submittal for “Girls Gone Wild.”

Now, the question is, what’s your inhibition level? Because sending racy pics to someone you met online is virtually the same as posting it to your Twitter feed. It’s going to get RTed. And RTed. And R-R-R-R-O-W-RRTed. If you are comfortable with that, then I say go for it. Better yet, create your very own website (or blog) of your greatest visual hits and direct the potential suitor there. Then you also have creative control of the images. Any adult film star worth her salt will tell you that.

Now, if you work in the corporate world, plan on running for public office, or you want to be on “American Idol”, you may want to wait a bit before you hit “send.” Either that, or, like Ken suggested, make damn sure you cannot be positively identified in the photos. Thanks to tattoos and very definite freckle patterns on my arms and legs (think “Orion” meets “Homer Simpson”), it would be fairly easy to pick me out of a trashy-girl line-up. Also, for the love of Christ, don’t take pics in your bedroom where your Nana’s sweet mug graces your bedside table and Uncle Joe’s framed “Footprints” poem is unfortunately positioned right over your Highway to Heaven. Pick an anonymous back-drop. Cleveland comes to mind.

Good luck, sugar! And remember, the worst that could happen is that you become a Kardashian.

Need bad advice? Hit us up, bro.

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