Tits ‘n’ Ask: Why Can’t I Get Over My Ex?

Businessman Kissing Businesswoman's Leg

Dear K&A: I’ve been broken up with my girlfriend for three years now. She’s moved on, but I still carry a big-ass torch. We keep in touch; in fact, last year we met for some drinks and ended up going back to her place for sex. I hoped that would be my way back in, but she said it was just a one night thing. I still consider her the love of my life and figure that if she could have sex with me once after we broke up, she may want to do it again. How can I determine if she still has feelings for me, short of showing up on her doorstep and begging her to take me back?

KEN SAYS: Sex with the ex is like the pussy tractor beam. It lures us in because it’s a comfortable thing, involving–at least in our minds–little effort. “Hey, I banged that before, why not again?” So I can’t blame you for wanting to crawl back in.

But there’s a fine line between “carrying a torch” and “vaccuum-packing your pride into a little sandwich-size bag and setting it on fire before hurling it off the Longfellow Bridge. And possibly letting a homeless person sit on it somewhere in between.”

Check the second sentence of your question: “She’s moved on.” That tells you everything you need to know. She’s out there, making new cock happen, while you’re sitting at home, pining away, very likely not showering and eating fuckloads of Oreos (not that I speak from experience). That’s not healthy, brother. Nor is your stalker-esque suggestion of showing up on her doorstep, a scenario which would very likely end with you in handcuffs, stabbed or, even worse, walking in on some other guy making like it’s Thanksgiving under your ex’s ass.

Women can smell desperation a mile away. And, at least in my experience, it’s about as much of a panty-dropper as sporting a T-shirt that reads “Free Gonorrhea.” I humbly suggest clinging tenaciously to your remaining pride and trying to find a woman who hasn’t already decided that she’s never going to date you again. There’s gotta be, I dunno, a million or so out there.

When in doubt, just remember what Grayson and Andy taught us:

ARIEL SAYS: I see your big-ass torch from here, buddy. And it’s kinda scaring the shit outta me. Like when you go to one of those sex shops for the first time and you see what you believe to be the trunk of a mighty Redwood, and you wonder, “What’s that doing in a sex shop?” And then, “Wait, that’s not a tree trunk, that’s…wha–whoooooooaaarrrgggh!”

Sex with your ex is just that–sex with your ex. And there’s not much else to it. It’s easy, it’s familiar, it’s no-effort nookie. Y’all know what you like, what you don’t like, and if you feel like being extra generous, what she reallllllllllllllllllllllllllllllly likes. But the next day, it’s onwards and upwards, nice knowin’ ya, oh and hey, did I tell you I’m seeing this cool guy? Ouch.

If you want her back, for the love of Gahd, DON’T show up at her doorstep. Nothing says “restraining order” like the face of Somebody That I Used To Know gracing my “I-am-not-a-doormat” doormat. I would suggest making yourself less, not more, available. As in, leave your clothes on. You are more than just your Redwood, my dear. Be in touch, be charming, be attentive, but also be a little mysterious. Let her know what she’s missing. Seduce her mind first, then you can tease the rest.

Also, it wouldn’t hurt to do a little walk down memory lane to review what went wrong in the first place. Was it really so amazing when she’d fart in her sleep or “forget” to tell you when she was hosting her Alma Mater’s rugby team in the spare bedroom? Was it truly so blissful when she’d make up excuses to avoid hanging out with you, preferring instead to watch marathons of Teen Mom and Top Gear? If your answer is a resounding “YES, YES, A THOUSAND TIMES YES!” then follow the advice above. If your answer is, “Well gosh, I guess–I guess no. No, I don’t really miss all that!” then hit the road, Jack, it’s time to make an appearance on someone else’s doorstep (one who presumably won’t call the cops.)

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