What’s the Story, Morning Glory?

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When I was a kid, my family lived for a couple years on a street named Wood Pecker Lane. And, yes, “wood” and “pecker” were clearly presented as two separate words on the street signs.

Needless to say, the local young’uns had a ball with this (see what i did there?); I can’t count how many times I’d pass the sign to find that someone had spray-painted over the word “wood.” But I have to say, much to my parents’ chagrin, that I preferred living on “Pecker Lane.”

And who the fuck wouldn’t? Tell me that being a guy who lives on Pecker Lane wouldn’t give you that extra edge over dudes who live on streets with more common, boring names like “Main Street” or “Center Road.” I was proud to announce to the world that I hung my hat at Pecker Lane. And even if people were confused by the fact that I was often shouting this through a megaphone while on a bicycle, I’m sure they remembered the name of that street.

I bring this up because of a recent news story about a software company that lobbied a Utah neighborhood to change the name of the street where its office was located, because the name “Morning Glory Road” was “too lewd.”

All I can say to that company is fire your fucking PR people right now.

Because being located on Morning Glory Road was probably the greatest thing that could have ever happened to your company. I mean, who the hell wouldn’t want to do business with a company headquartered on Morning Glory Road? Christ, if I ran that company, I’d be begging the town to grant me an intersection at Pecker Lane and Cunnilingus Boulevard. I’d even solicit the public works department to redraw the yellow lines that run down the center of the highway leading to our offices to make them as overtly phallic as possible.

It’s tough out there these days for a company. You find a way to stand out from the pack, you take it. So I’d like to let Utah know that we’ll gladly take Morning Glory Road off your hands if it’s still available. Oh, and my petition to change Main Street to Sodomy Falls will be arriving shortly.

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