When The Best Friend is a Girl

I’m a pretty reasonable person. Work 9-5, pay my taxes, stop at red lights…but I can also be a psychotic bitch, especially when another woman is in the picture.

“Why is your best friend a GIRL?”

I posed this question to a guy I was dating. I hadn’t met her; to say I was threatened is the understatement of the year.

“We’ve known each other since high school…I used to date her sister and she’s like my little sister…she’s like one of the guys, she loves to just hang out with us and get stoned, watch sports, go camping…” That’s when he happened to notice that one of my talons was uncomfortably close to his ballsack. Stepping backwards into the dog’s food bowl, he hurriedly continued: “And I’m totally not attracted to her, she’s so not my type.”

Yeah, right, my insanely-jealous inner Carrie says. We’ll see about that. I don’t care if you’ve been best friends since you were fetuses and have gotten shitfaced 80 million times together without so much action as a handshake. Sex is always lurking in the background, rubbing its greasy palms together in anticipation.

Someone’s attracted to someone, and I’m about to find out if it’s her or him.

So I meet the best friend, and–it’s her.

I warily size up my competition. She’s short, which I like. And she’s juuust a bit heavier than me, which I REALLY like. She does her best to make a good impression, as do I. We make nice, cheerfully chatting whilst sending each other evil telepathic messages:

Get a month-long cottage-cheese-type yeast infection, troll.

May you develop cold sores, genital warts, and herpes within the same week, cuntface.

Dude beams with approval. “We should all go to Joe’s cookout next Saturday!” Gee, can’t wait. Troll already has the upper hand because she’s a lifetime member of the Get-Along Gang, while I’m just the new bimbo he’s screwing lately.

Fast forward to the big b-b-q. I’m white knuckling it and avoiding the keg; that pin doesn’t need to be pulled from the grenade–yet. My stomach is in knots while I watch Troll in action and quickly figure out her game: she loves being one of the guys because that way she can pretend she’s the center of attention. She works the room, bouncing from guy to guy, marking her territory. When my dude strolls by, I see her grab his arm. I see the look in her eye as she pulls his neck down for a “friendly” hug. “Troll is going DOWN tonight!” Carrie screams.

I managed to get Troll nicely liquored up and worked up by being all over my dude like a cheap suit the entire evening. Anytime she came near I jumped on his lap, I rubbed my boobs in his face, I licked his neck. MINE. I’m surprised no one asked me what escort service I worked for. Then, fast-forward to the driveway at 1:36 AM.

Apparently Troll did not like the way I was talking to one of my dude’s buddies (I was asking him how to get back on the freeway) and felt it was her duty as The Best Friend ™ to inform him of my whorish behavior. Dude laughs at her and walks away, which makes Troll mad. She weaves towards me and starts going off about what a slut I am, how she knew the minute she met me I was no good for him, blah blah blah. I’m about to tell her to shut the fuck up but my dude’s buddy beats me to the punch. Quickly realizing she’s lost any and all support for her cause, she decides to shove me against a parked car. I shove her back. My dude is nowhere to be found. His buddy doesn’t know whether to break it up or enjoy the show. I’m getting nervous, not about getting my ass kicked by a dwarf but about earning the life-long rep of “the chick who got into a catfight at Joe’s party.”

Thankfully, Troll decides that I’m too big or she’s too drunk, and she stumbles away and falls into the bushes. My dude reappears, asking everyone what the hell happened. Did he take my side, promise to never speak to Troll again? Nope. He “couldn’t believe that she would ever do something like that” and wanted us to get together and work it out. That’s when I made my hasty exit from Joe’s party and the relationship at large.

See ya, dude. Hope you and your best friend have beautiful little people together.


  1. Ken

    May 23, 2012 at 10:48 am

    As a man, I can say, friend or not, if it’s female, we are thinking about banging it.

  2. The Fuz

    May 23, 2012 at 11:22 am

    My guy developed a chick BFF at work and I was insanely jealous, but always thought I was just overreacting or so in love I was going crazy…until I found out he cheated on me with her in a drunken haze one night. Never second guess your instincts…jealousy happens for a reason!

  3. Stephanie

    May 23, 2012 at 1:49 pm

    I so can not talk. All my best friends are guys.

  4. Ariel

    May 23, 2012 at 5:52 pm

    Haha! I knew it! But you my dear are NOT a troll.

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