Where Do We Go From Here?

If action, entertainment, sports and general stuff ‘n’ nonsense are your thang, you could do a lot worse than clicking this link to Ticket Liquidator’s Live Toast blog and exploring the eclectic assortment of juicy fare. It looks like the Ticket Liquidator team has decided to step out of the 20th Century funk the rest of the corporate ticket world is stuck in and spread their wings. Live Toast is a blog that takes chances. In fact, at least three of the team are on written warnings after publishing scandalous posts about sex, drugs and rock ‘n’ roll in the hectic few months since the blog went live. Among the contributors are a Japanese Jew, a man who resembles a ringtailed lemur, an English soccer hooligan and a panda. That’s right, I said a panda. Oh, and a penguin. Forgot about him. While the rest of the free world are busy wasting time on Facebook, the Toasties are at least putting their ne’er do well tendencies to some constructive purpose by reporting on pretty much anything that catches their jaded eye.

Planned blog posts for the near future include, “What Percentage of your Tweets Should be Reptilian in Nature?”, a step-by-step guide to tweeting for the aliens who live amongst us. Also a feature on Hypodermic Poems, that is, poems that are encoded in DNA and then injected into the “reader’s” body in an attempt to enable the consumption of poetry without the inconvenience of actually learning to read. It’s the future. The Live Toast crew have also announced a ground-breaking initiative to create a header for the site that is so immense (it’s a tiff file approximately 999999999999999 gigs in size tranposed on an animated gif in multi-layer Photoshop format, scrambled through a WW2 Morse-decoder, projected onto a rough plaster wall and filtered through the discarded tights of an NFL player via Instagram before being mounted on a psychedelic animated matte composed of reptile skin with merged pigeon neck iridescence masked with a high-speed tracking image of Halley’s Comet with a built-in audio wav file emitting the sound of 80,000 South African soccer fans blowing vuvuzelas intermittent with the sounds of ravens recorded in the roof casings of Baltimore train station circa 1912, all while executing an elaborate Javascript that causes the browser window to spin with a 3-D effect that a periscopic animated png image of J. Edgar Hoover dancing in a cocktail dress before exploding into fifty thousand tiny holographic images of every single player in all major sports leagues since 1878) it has to be hosted on over 300 servers situated across the globe, and is destined to easily break the world record in many categories and remain unchallenged as such for many years.

Aside from these exciting developments, the Live Toast team also plan a War on James Joyce, in which the sexually repressed Irish drunkard’s reputation and standing in literary circles will be soiled irreversibly thanks to an international campaign in which young rebels everywhere will enter bookstores and public libraries with pieces of jam on toast, with which they will smear the publications to the point they will have to be destroyed, mainly for sanitary reasons. It is hoped that the name of James Joyce will conjure images of feces, retardation and maybe even dinosaurs, by the time the campaign is finished. Following this they plan to begin work on convincing the world that William Shakespeare was nothing but a phony. Check out Live Toast. They’re spreadin’ the jam! (crap tagline, huh?)

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