Why They Won’t Let Me Work Retail

"Yup, looks pretty 'sheer' to me."

“Yup, looks pretty ‘sheer’ to me.”

If there’s one thing I never get tired of writing about (besides baby penguins and the little-known boxing champ of the 1920s, Amos “sonuvabitch” Jenkins), it’s yoga pants. Thankfully, this past week has been like the Normandy landing of yoga pants stories.

First, as was duly noted on this blog and just about every other news outlet where the importance of yoga pants is understood, yoga pants manufacturer Lululemon came under fire for a batch of pants that were allegedly “too sheer.”

The fact that there are potentially large groups of women running around in see-through yoga pants should be enough. But the story actually gets better. Apparently, when the trouble with the pants was brought up to employees at a Lululemon store in Canada, complaining customers were asked to “bend over” to test the sheerness of the pants.

The “Bend Over Test” was actually mentioned by the company’s CEO during a call with investors, according to the Wall Street Journal. As the CEO explained, “The only way that you can actually test for the issue is to put the pants on and bend over.”

As you might imagine, this doesn’t fly well with some customers. According to the NBC San Diego story linked in the previous paragraph, one customer wrote on the Lululemon Facebook page: “I was asked to BEND OVER in order to determine sheerness. The sales associate then perused my butt in the dim lighting of the change room and deemed them ‘not sheer.'”

Look, as a consumer who’s been screwed more often than I care to recall, I sympathize with these women. But, God damn, the bend over test is the greatest idea in the history of ideas. In fact, if I was working for Lululemon, this is exactly the sort of idea that I’d bring to the table. Hell, I’d even insist that they consider that the only definitive test for sheerness is for these women to sit their yoga pants-clad ass right down on my face for a couple hours. Money back if they don’t leave my face with a good cotton burn. Or if I try to eat through them.

Either way, it’s the job I was meant to perform, and my expertise is here for the taking, Lululemon. I can’t sing or dance or fix a leaky pipe of give you the latest live betting odds on the Kentucky Derby. But I can grade yoga pants sheerness at 100 yards.

Call me.

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