Writing a Dating Profile to Snag the Man of Your Dreams

As an aspiring boyfriend and guy who doesn’t leave the house that much, I read a lot of online dating profiles. And while I’m hardly an expert on crafting the perfect profile to snare the perfect guy to ensure that you have someone to chill with in the doomsday bunker when this planet finally hits the skids (sometime around August 2, 2014, by my crude estimations), I feel that my extensive research does qualify me to offer some pointers for effectively communicating your strengths.

So here are the questions that I, personally, like to have answered whenever I read a dating profile:

Can she make me laugh? This is important, because the ability to laugh and laugh often will not only sustain a relationship through the tough times, it will also make it easier for you to see the humor in finding me naked, passed-out in your shed, surrounded by comic books and empty gin bottles.

Is she rich? Some people are unwilling to admit that they’re wealthy, perhaps afraid that it could attract “the wrong element.” Granted, a dating profile might not be the place to wax rhapsodic about your bank account, but if I’m intrigued by two brunettes who both cook, quote F. Scott Fitzgerald and look fetching in a hat but one of them serves up photos of herself in her Bentley or lounging by her Olympic-sized swimming pool, that’s gonna help me narrow the list.

Will she let me go down on her on the first date? Look, I don’t want to come off as your garden-variety perv, but I suppose it’s going to come up sooner or later. Fact is, I love going down on women. More than breathing. And while I may try to hide it as we exchange small talk over dinner or stroll downtown to work off the three belts of whiskey we had for dessert, I will no doubt be thinking of unbuttoning your jeans with my teeth (a parlor trick I picked up overseas), easing you on to your kitchen counter, a subway turnstile, or the cold foods counter at Super Walmart, and putting my tongue to work for you. Giving me some sort of sign in your profile that informs me you’re okay with this would be key; something subtle like, “Buy me dinner and I’ll sit on your face,” perhaps.

Will she kill me in my sleep?
Quick story: The first time I went out with Danielle, who I met on an online dating site, she made the hair on the back of my neck stand up: that whine of a voice, the violent temper, the spitting, and the insistence on speaking like a female rap star. But she also came equipped with that body, god damn her. And ten beers later, when she was talking with her mouth dangerously close to my face and showing off her green thong, I was instantly reduced to a box of Feldman’s Modeling Clay. Later that night, when she delivered unto me a fucking that almost stopped my heart cold, I knew I was in trouble. Because the male mind cares not if a woman starts fights with bartenders or throws chairs in restaurants or tells you that your mother is a “twatburger” [all things she did within the first week I knew her, mind you]. Not when the screwing which will be levied upon us after all of this anger has subsided will be an otherwordly experience.

I remember the nights I’d sit up, pacing around her small apartment while she slept off the fuckathon, thinking I could change her. “Niceness begets niceness,” I thought. So I tried. And it failed. Miserably. The night she spit beer in my best friend’s face [after an argument over, of all things, horse racing], I realized that if I wanted to keep my sanity — not to mention my friends and family — I’d have to leave this sex behind.

So I did. And after the death threats subsided, I started seeing some fairly “normal” women again. Women who didn’t scream at my relatives, or carry knives in their purses, or try to burn the back of my neck with a lit cigarette. Also: Women who didn’t screw near as good as Danielle.

I guess what I’m trying to say here is, if you’re going to be violent, at least be awesome in bed.

Will she have anything to do with me? Probably not.

I originally wrote this as a guest post for Cupid’s Laboratory. Do check that site out for some humorous and refreshingly real perspectives on online dating.

1 Comment

  1. Gina

    September 14, 2012 at 2:12 pm

    I reread this post today when I needed a laugh. I actually dated a guy who shared a tale with me of a woman he truly feared would kill him in his sleep. She wore kabuki-style makeup and red red lipstick. She also kept a pet raccoon that ran loose through her house and insisted raccoons are NOT feral, rabies-carrying beasts. Just misunderstood. And soooo cute.

    I must admit, it sort of tickles me to know that there are so many crazy-fierce women out there. And I would have loved to be a fly on the wall to hear the twatburger comment. Thanks for sharing this one with Cupid’s Lab!

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